“What happen to your shirt?” I ask seeing raged edges around the armholes were sleeves used to be sewn in place. “I like it this way. I fixed it,” responds my engineering son heading out of the door. I can’t miss the bright spark reflecting in his eyes saying he is quite satisfied with his look.

“What is a mother to do?” I ponder as options roll through my conscience like the daily news alerts rolls across the bottom of the TV screen…

• Tell him to take it off.
• Let him know he will pay for a new one and teach him about not destroying property.
• Compliment him on his creativity, and let it slide.
• Point out how tacky he looks, hoping he will get the hint.
• Allow him to make his own mistakes to learn, praying the Holy Spirit speaks to his teen heart.
• Lay down the law and let him know that no son of mine will be seen in public that way.
• Ask him why, to see how he came up with the idea, and to discern his motivation.
• Tell him he looks great, and stroke his confidence about how his hard work weight lifting is paying off.
• Send him back to his room to ‘talk with God’ about his shirt, forcing him to confront his actions and hopefully view it Biblically.

While some parents are pros at handling this kind of situation, often someone who was not raised in a Biblical home has a lot to think about. They don’t have personal life examples in their memory to guide their response and the Bible is not specific on every detail you can encounter in parenting. Most of parenting is learned ‘on the job’ as we figure out how to apply Biblical principles to situations as they occur.

I recall how many times I got frustrated that the examples in parenting books were never just like mine. Did I just have abnormal children? Why couldn’t someone come up with a book indexed by situational topics so I would know what to say? In reality a parent doesn’t get hours to get prepared a perfect Biblical followup. God did not equip us with a rapid research file in our brain to guide us through solid parenting choices. We must learn as parents to rely on the Holy Spirit, and in doing so we build our personal relationship depending on God.

If this situational topic was considered in a room with 5 couples, it is highly probable that different solutions on how they would handle the situation would be discussed.

The problem in making a decision based off of what I simply shared in the first paragraph is that the reader doesn’t know the relationship between the son and parent. You aren’t given the history of his struggles. You don’t know the depth of his Biblical understanding. His personality also plays a role in how a response should be approached. I am not saying we parent by situational ethics-being what is absolutely right in one situation can be absolutely wrong in another. But rarely, in parenting, are we faced with absolute choices.

For example if I see my son steal a candy bar, I correct him and make him return it. I might even have him apologize to the store owner and offer to pay for it with his own money. Stealing is never something to stand by silently and watch. We all know it is absolutely not right to take what does not belong to us, therefore taking a candy bar from a shelf and stuffing it in your coat pocket is clearly wrong. Matter of fact, it is called shoplifting and is punishable by the government’s law, not only God’s moral law. So even a beginning Christian parent could properly handle this situation, and you don’t need to know anything about the child.

But as a child grows, especially in pre-teen and teen years we are no longer laying down the basic moral guidelines, instead we are trying to train his heart to consider the motivation behind his actions. We are wanting the Holy Spirit to speak to his conscience, knowing He can go everywhere with our child and we can’t. As a person matures in their relationship with God, his heart becomes more tender to God’s desires.

Also the relationship between child and parent is critical as it shifts to one of mentoring the decision-making process instead of enforcing absolutely rules. Most parents have heard ‘rules without relationship breeds rebellion’, and it is true! The pharisees knew all about how to dress and would never been seen in public without proper attire, but they lacked greatly in having a heart relationship that sought after God’s desire.

Most of all, remember that God always gives grace to us. This includes the child and the parent. None of us are perfect! We simply have to do our best, and keep growing. This process is called Sanctification, which is a big word to say we are being set apart unto God after our initial salvation decision. We will never stop being sanctified until we die and enter heaven. So if you say something and regret it, or later think you could have handled the situation better, just talk it over with your child. By doing this, you will both learn and you will reinforce that Jesus is the only one who is or ever will be perfect.

© lindyabbott for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: choices, decision, grace, parenting, preteens, Relationships, Teens

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On a la Modest, I talked about Lolita fashion and its roots from the Victorian age. Even taking bustiers into account, you have to admit that fashion back then was much more modest than today. A friend of mine likes to view dressing modestly as a way to feel like royalty–a princess finely dressed. Centuries might have affected fashion trends, but men’s minds have not changed over the years. This is not to say that men alone are evil. They were made to be visual, and women were made to desire love from men. We just have to cater to our nature of being like this in the right way. Immodesty is like junk food. It satisfies you temporarily and is never good for you. Showing skin to attract men (or even to compete with women) might get you the attention you want, but it is almost never love that you end up getting.

As I like to say, “Keep immodesty within the marriage bed!” Married women can get all the fun they want with lingerie as clothes for their husband’s eyes only! Ironically, I only really took the importance of modest fashion to heart when I got married. I’ve never really been happier with the way I carried myself since I started pushing away my insecurities by not wearing clothes that attracted the wrong attention. I realized that I gave away part of myself to other men through the way I dressed, and essentially stole from my husband what he alone should’ve cherished.

To the single women out there, it is best to start now. I understand how hard it is to even attract men in this day and age, where sexually infused fashion is rampant, but it will pay off one day to be with someone who cares deeply about who you are, enough to protect you from himself. When you incite a man to lust, you do not win him. Lust takes over, and it is greedy. Like any type of greed, it wants more. Do not expect that luring a man with lust will keep him faithful to you. Modesty is not really the end-all to lust, but it certainly helps to keep minds pure.

In addition to its benefits to single men and women, dressing modestly can help couples in a small way by not adding to the temptation that husbands and even pastors have everyday to look at other women lustfully. Let’s not be greedy and steal their minds away. Lust really eats up men, and contrary to the momentary pleasures they might get from it, they ultimately do not like its effects. Doing your part says that you love all men and want to help them see the beauty in you through purity and not lust. Purity goes a long way. It’s not really synonymous with chastity. You can be pure and be sexually active in the context of marriage. Most guys deep down want a girl who will give them everything without inhibitions but only to them. If you give yourself to other men by inciting lust in their minds through the way that you dress, then you are not really saving yourself fully for your future husband. The Bible says that if a man looks at or thinks about another woman lustfully, then he is already committing adultery. In your own small way, by dressing modestly, you really are helping to tame lustful thoughts. It shows that you really care, and in turn, most “husband-material” guys will appreciate this a lot.

Dressing “down” gave me many heartaches. It attracted so many of the wrong type of guys. I’m glad that God was sovereign and landed me with an amazing stud who encouraged me to be modest-fashionably forward (even before we got married).

Check out this video by Jason Evert of Pure Love Club:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80FOpC5oKww

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This article was originally from alamodest.com. Do you “Like” this article?  alamodest.com is now on Facebook!

© Rachel @ alamodest.com for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: fashion, husband, love, lust, marriage, modest, modesty, Relationships, romance, Sexuality, Single, style, wife

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Dani si Andreea 3

Originally uploaded by STUDIO SFARA

Is This Modest?

MInTheGap: There’s nothing more beautiful than a bride and a groom on their wedding day sharing a passionate kiss! Of course, guys are rarely immodest in most photos (unless blatantly so) and this bride’s dress is modest in that it is not low, it has wide straps, and it’s very feminine.

Kristin: It’s hard to tell from this photo, but the dress is fitted until just under her rear and then poofs out. It draws your attention there pretty quickly!

Other than that I am mostly okay with this dress. The neckline isn’t too low, although I know some will be bothered by the straps. I’ll go with Mostly Modest here.

Your Turn…

[ratings]

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2009. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: bride, formal, gown, groom, kiss, Relationships, wedding, wedding dress

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After a man marries a woman, he no longer struggles with immodesty.  He delights in his wife, and can see all he needs to at any time.  She fulfils his every desire and need, and he needs no other.

I wish, very hard, to say this was true, but it is not, and this is something that we must realize and take into account—especially with all that’s going on in our culture today.

Living Together, Shacking Up, Living In Sin—You get the idea

Part of the problem with today’s culture is that marriage has been extremely devalued—to the point where women are compared to cars that you should test drive and make sure you get the latest model—or one with the least amount of miles on her.

With that has come the whole concept of comparison.  What I mean by that is that whereas in years gone by a man and a woman would only ever have one sexual partner their entire life, now they have multiples—and that’s seen as ok.

This directly relates to modesty, because now every woman is an object, something new and different to find out.

The Wedding

As far as modesty goes, what a strange time a wedding is.  It’s that time where every rule is turned on its head.  The woman intentionally goes out to find something to wear that will entice her husband sexually.  They see each other without clothing—and that’s as far as this family friendly blog writer will go.

They can’t get enough of each other during that week, and for a long time thereafter.

But he’s now seen “everything”—so is he cured?  Probably not.

After The Wedding and Into the Marriage

I will say that it’s not the same after being married as before, and I think there’s a good reason.  I believe that there is a physical reaction to seeing a pretty face/body—it’s a hit, or like a drug, where it feels good.

And because you’re not together all the time, a guy can look toward another girl and see something and feel something.

That’s made ten times worse by marketing and advertisements.  Men are now bombarded with images of girls using facial expressions that indicate a favorable reaction, whereas if they were to meet in person the girl would not give them the time of day.

Bodies are airbrushed to the point that the girl in the picture looks nothing like a real girl—and that just makes his comparisons worse.

If he needed to be careful not to look before marriage, he needs to be careful to only look at her after.  Ladies, here’s where you can help—you were all concerned about what he’d see on your wedding night (you may have tanned, gotten your hair done and lost weight), what is he seeing now?  Yes, be modest outside the house, but inside, draw him in like only you can.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2009. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: clothing, marriage, purity, Relationships, The Male Mind, wedding

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As boys and girls become teens and then young ladies and men, there are subtle changes in the way they react to each other.  The physical attraction is still there, and the pressure is still very real, but the relationships that a person goes through and their life experiences can help discipline them or cause them to get on a crash course to certain doom.

Well, perhaps that’s a little melodramatic, but I think you’ll understand what I’m saying in a minute.

A Healthy Desire

God made men and women to desire companionship—and that companionship is on many levels, one of them being physical.

The physical desire is strong in men—and it starts with sight and works its way throughout his being.  He needs female companionship to complete him in all sorts of ways.  He craves it—and that’s part of what feeds his curiosity and his longings to the point of lust.

The desire is healthy, and it’s supposed to reach it’s fulfillment in marriage, but it’s often easy for it to degenerate into lust.

We Weren’t Wired to Wait

Seriously, I know it’s a topic for another time, but the more I read, ponder, and look at marriage historically, the more I’m under the impression that men and women were never meant to wait until their twenties or thirties to marry.  I mean, Adam and Eve were married when they were two days old!

The problem is that there is a lot of pent up sexual desire and no morally acceptable outlet but marriage.  So, the young man struggles with the war going on inside him: wanting, desiring, feels like needing, to have a woman to love—emotionally and physically.

They say that girls can be guilted into sexual relations—I believe that guys can be manipulated as well by the same tactic.  It all depends on who has more discipline in this area.

Discipline

That’s right, self discipline is the key.  The guy exercises it by not being alone with a girl, by making sure to keep his eyes away from things he might be tempted to lust after, and by watching his viewing habits.  He needs to keep his mind focused on other things, or he will find a way to feed that desire and his curiosity.

The godly/modest woman helps him here by not making it easy for him to stumble when looking at her.  It helps him focus on who she is instead of what she is.

Logic would say that all women are equipped pretty much the same as far as having certain body parts.  Except this isn’t logical—men see differences, they compare, and they contrast.

The Gradual Increase of Lust

Lust has a way of growing, it gets fed by an action that requires more.  As a guy sees a part of a girl, it no longer satisfies him—no longer feeds his curiosity or his craving to see that any more.  He must see more.

A guy can lust looking through a J.C. Penny magazine.  He can fill his mind with sex by reading books around the house.

But the modest girl isn’t giving him anything to look at.  She’s not feeding his desire to see more—whereas he might see more with someone else.

So, discipline is key—the guy at this age is looking for a life-long mate, and yet has to be restrained.  Take this with you in your relationships.  If you better understand what he’s thinking and going through you’ll better be able to anticipate where he might have difficulty.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2009. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Kids and Teens, marriage, purity, Relationships, Sexual intercourse, Sexuality, The Male Mind

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