Forum : Is This Modest?

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Encouraging Modest Thoughts in Men and Modest Dress in Daughters

July 14, 2010
11:42 pm

MomOf3Girls

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I have a question about a topic I haven't seen addressed here or elsewhere. I have three teen daughters – two of whom dress much less modestly than I think is appropriate. Strapless dresses and tops are routine, as are low cut tank tops and spaghetti strap camisoles. Cleavage is common. I try to encourage my girls to dress more modestly but have problems with enforcing standards because my husband does not think there is anything wrong with how they dress. he is very worldy and doesn't see that their attire sends the wrong message – one of my girls has been pulled aside by her youth group leaders to discuss her inappropriate wardrobe – to no avail.

How do I get my husband to understand that modest is appropriate – that low cut clothing and strapless tops are not acceptable if you want your children to be chaste? How do I get my girls to understand that? One of the girls is very uncomfortable in the summer – the heat is unbearable for her so one of the reasons she wears so little is because she is so hot (she used to strip down to her diaper in the middle of winter as a toddler so this is not a new behavior). She says she cannot stand anything on her shoulders or arms when it is hot. I think her approach is wrong – she should be more concerned with causing others to stumble as well as the impression she is leaving instead of on her personal comfort. I have yet to convince her of this, however.

So how do I accomplish this – modesty in my daughters – and how do I convince my husband that their current clothing is not acceptable (for that matter, how do I convince him that he should avert his eyes when he sees immodestly dressed women on television or at the mall or in movies, etc. instead of looking at them without shame?

July 16, 2010
12:51 pm

MInTheGap

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Forum Posts: 163

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July 31, 2008

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Hello there! If you are new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.

This question is really a good one, and a difficult one at the same time. I would agree with you– if your husband's not onboard with modesty it will be tough to get your daughters to be into it either.

There are multiple things working against you.

You've already mentioned heat, or the idea that you have to wear less to feel cooler. This is partially true, but coolness can also come in lightweight fabrics and light colors.
The second is attention. From my experience, a woman that is getting attention (positive or negative) from what she wears will wear the same to get more attention.
Next up is peer pressure. If you've been modeling modest clothing (which I assume you have) there must be someone that's influencing their decisions. It could be the media they consume, their peers, or some other source. They are the enemies of modesty.
Your husband's non-interest. He's going to be your biggest ally if you can sway him. Girls seem to connect to their father differently than to their mother.

So what can you do about it?

First, any conversation with your husband has to take place without the girls there. He should know what kind of attention his girls are getting. Perhaps he needs to talk to another man about the "fire" that your daughters are playing with.

It's your house, and you do have some say in their clothing choices. Perhaps some articles don't get cleaned as fast as others, or along with purchasing some items, other items have to be purchased that are more modest. Be creative.

Find someone in the youth group that is modest and see if you can get your daughters to be friends with them– organize activies with them. Talk with your pastor or youth group leaders about ideas that they have. Get to the root of the problem– the clothing is just a symptom.

Pray– this is a heart issue and we're powerless to change heart issues. We can influence behavior, and perhaps change opinion, but we can't change the heart– and that's where the true change will come.

I hope this helps!