Speaking to my beautiful spiritual mother this week by phone, she asked me about a Bible Study she sent to me on modesty. In our discussion of the topic she said, “Males need to be modest also.” Her statement caused my brain to freeze. I was like, “What? I can’t picture that?” 

Slowly, with a touch of embarrassment, I spoke, “How does a man dress modest?”

I laugh, as I write, thinking of the irony of the fact that I–a mother of two boys (now 16 and 18)–would be asking an elderly lady who never had children such a question. But I honestly was puzzled, I have ever heard a pastor teach on this topic. Why is it ignored? Why do Pastors only talk about the modesty of a women?

In her overflowing wisdom she made it clear, “Modesty is a matter of not drawing attention toward yourself, especially in a sexually appealing way. So when guys wear muscles shirts, tight jeans, or even no shirt at all (like when cutting grass, etc.) they are not being modest.”

Isn’t it so simple to learn how to make choices when you understand the underlying reason for doing things?

Some people may try to live modestly by dressing according to a list of do’s and don’ts rules! This is how they become legalistic, trying to follow laws. But grace requires us to be relational with God and to consider His heart desire for our life. Isn’t it so much easier to ask yourself before you pick out what to wear or even after you are dressed, “Is what I am wearing drawing attention to myself, particularly my body’s shape in a way that could be inappropriate? Am I dressed to impress others or dressed to bring attention (and glory) to God?”

Being joined to God in a  relationship by the cleansing power of His grace, we can let Him coach us on the motivation of why we are wearing something. Is it wrong to look nice, handsome or even current in our appearance? Of course, it isn’t. If you are an outgoing, up-beat or even a little off-beat, is it ok to wear styles that are a little zany or creative? You know it is! The clothing frankly is not the problem, is it? Truly, it is the sinful desires of our heart that leads us to choose immodest clothing, and men have just as much problem with their heart as women.

Trying to be sexy? Trying to turn eyes? Trying to show off your great weight-lifting six-pack or solid muscles in your arms? Trying to look mysterious, luring, tempting? Well, you get my point! If any of these or more of your own thoughts fit in this line of thinking, take those thoughts captive to Christ Jesus.

If you are unsure, stand in front of the mirror and talk with God. What we wear is are important to Him! And He loves to be part of all our life-huge milestone decisions and small daily details. You may learn all kinds of things about yourself and more importantly about God when you listen to Him to discuss this topic. God uses every issue in life to draw us closer to Him. You see, even what we wear is not about us, it is all about HIM!

And when you are out shopping or in a crowd, look around and ask those same questions. You are not to judge a person, but to listen and learn and observe. See if you can start to identify what male modesty looks like. Come back and share your experience. I would love to hear your input.

© lindyabbott for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | 9 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: bringing God glory, drawing attention to self, dress for men, male modesty

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I believe that when it comes to lust, one of the hardest times to be a man is summer when the man is single.  It is at this point in time when the man’s body is producing hormones and everything that even hints of private things can turn into something that attracts his focus.

I guess that summer would just make this worse!

That is part of the reason that God decided that it wasn’t good for man to be alone, because when one is married, there’s a distinct change because of accountability and intimacy:

The marriage relationship is supposed to be the most intimate human to human relationship on the planet. It is in this relationship that two people put down their guards the most in order to share everything—physically, emotionally and spiritually.

…

[T]he husband is helped by his wife because of the physical intimacy she provides. The fact that he is having that need met means that he does not have to struggle as hard against his body’s desire to have that need met. The temptation to look, to desire, and want other women is lessened by the fact that he has a faithful sexual partner—his wife.

When I look at the Modesty Survey, some of the results fit right in with this, because I believe that teenage boys with hormones impacting them are much more likely to find a bra strap or an ankle sexually attractive versus someone that is married and, obviously, has seen much more than that.

Our modern culture is now emphasizing a hookup and cohabitation culture specifically because they have cast derision on marriage before college a full time job with an apartment.  We’ve set our own ticking time bomb, forcing teens to confront temptation that they did not have in previous generation in the name of individualism and independence.

And our culture bears the marks of this—humans fall to temptation.

As those that would seek to be modest, I don’t find it practical to simply encourage you to not appear attractive to the teenage boy.  (We need to keep them in mind, but they need to learn to keep their hormones in check.)  I want you to know that it does get “better” and that men in committed relationships do not have as much of a struggle.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | 17 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Adam and Eve, alone, helpmeet

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So, while we’re discussing layering, take a look at some of our recent Quick Reviews.  What you will find is a list of layering items, and some of the comments that we make go something like:

“This would make a good layering piece.  It’s long, and the top is high enough, but it’s tight…”

In fact, in some we suggest that what could be used it public as a under-layer could be used in private as an outer layer.  If you follow me…

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: layers

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Check out this quirky bit of information from the modesty survey:

Seeing a girl take off a pullover (i.e. a shirt that must be pulled over the head) is a stumbling block, even if she is wearing a modest shirt underneath.

Age 21 -  If it’s just pulled straight up and over, yeah it gets the blood pumping. Especially if the shirt underneath is pulled up slightly. However, using the method where you wedge your elbow into the shirt to take it off severely reduces the amount of clothes coming up and is less sexy. It looks functional and isn’t really stumbling block at all.

Age 16 – It can give the illusion of undressing, even if she really isn’t.

Age 16 – The movements, for some unknown reason, stimulate a guys mind to think lustful thoughts. Also the "modest shirts" often go up a few inches with the pullover before the girl notices.

If these guys are saying that it’s something that attracts them, then that’s what we’re looking for when it comes to your husband!

Why is this so powerful?  I think that the guys in the survey have the right idea.  Since men are visual and attraction is in the mind, seeing a girl take a layer of clothing of in front of them causes their brain to go further—especially if done in a provocative manner.

So, ladies, make sure that you dress in layers, and try this out!

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
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Tupperware.  That was the joke around the time that my wife and I were planning on getting married. There was a story going around that at one bridal shower the lingerie was codenamed “Tupperware” to keep it for a surprise.

The one time that everyone expects that a woman will buy something frilly to wear under her clothing is on her wedding night.  People enjoy picking out what they think will entice their husband, or what will surprise him.

Some argue that lingerie and the like is practically purposeless—getting “in the way” so to speak.

However, I would argue that it is something that is a modest clothing option, when worn under your clothing.

It Begins In The Mind

It’s not just bad luck to see a bride in her wedding dress before the wedding—it ruins some of the surprise of seeing her in her dress for the first time.  Many women will not look as good as they will on their wedding day, and they want that day to be full of everything that it can be.

Surprise is powerful, as is delayed gratification.  In a society in culture that always has to “have it now”, it’s amazing how rewarding having to wait is.

When it comes to lacy underwear, sometimes it’s the waiting and anticipation that is the key.  Letting your husband know what you have under your modest dress can build anticipation.  It will be on his mind, and you can bet that makes him think about you.

It Frames You As The Intimate Couple You Are

The fact that you have clothing that’s just for his eyes only builds a bond with him.  It’s something that you’d never show anyone else, because “there will be no one else.”

You see, I believe that most women think of lingerie as something that’s a pain to wear, something that’s almost always taken off rather quickly, and that is expensive; however, it also can show off your best assets, it’s something that appeals to his sense of sight, and he likes it.

The Point Is To Be Immodest With Each Other

For all the conversation that we have about being modest with the world around you, this is the one person—your spouse—who you can feel free to be immodest with.  It’s the one person you should be attempting to excite physically.  It’s the one person who is supposed to enjoy you.

He is supposed to find this kind of intimate fulfillment with you.  He’s bombarded with immodesty all around him every day from people he doesn’t want to see, so let him find rest and approval in you.

Read again through the Song of Solomon and you will find a man every much enamored with his wife’s body, and a woman that’s proud of her form for her husband.  She loves that he loves to look at her.

Is that how you are with him?

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: lingerie, surprise, underclothing, Undergarment

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With that focus, it’s easiest to set up our example of a man as someone that has no control of his own impulses, and yet that’s not the case.

Sin Nature

Just as many natural impulses a man may have—such as to cheat, lie, or steal—are things that are natural, they are also things a man is told not to do.  It is expected of men that they have certain attributes and refrain from others.

Lusting after a woman that’s immodestly dressed is one of those things that he is told not to do.

Her Clothing Made Me Do It!

That’s part of the reason why I understand this critique of Christian Males.  It’s because certain presentations of modesty/immodesty tend to make the men that it discusses mindless robots that have to look and have to lust.

It reminds me of what you read from the Middle East, where women (that are normally clothed from head to toe) walk out dressed modestly by our standards are raped, and the perpetrator stands back and says “her clothing made me do it.”

In a post, Immodest clothing isn’t the cause of sin or sexual harassment, an iSandwich makes an important point:

The [modesty video] blames women while acknowledging that men are the ones with sinful minds; for a religious-based video, this doesn’t make much sense — shouldn’t men be working to fight this temptation themselves? Isn’t lust a sin? Instead of hoping the temptation disappears and things are easier for you, aren’t you supposed to be challenged and be able to overcome temptation by yourself?

She’s right men—temptation is always present, and it is our duty to flee temptation.

Treating Sin Equally

You see, there are stores that have merchandise outside or in front of the cash registers.  If you’ve looked, it’s probably gone through your head how you someone else could easily make off with something small and not get caught.  We’ve all been in a place where we’ve thought that lying would be easier than telling the truth.  And cheating—sometimes the temptation presents itself.

So why, guys, do we act as if this is one temptation, where if we yield to it, it’s the other person’s fault?

I’ll tell you why.  Because unlike the other battles, where there’s some physical expression to the sin, this one occurs in our minds, where no one else can see it, and like sins of the mind (particularly lust) it is both difficult to overcome and difficult to be witnessed by someone else.

Lust, envy, greed—many of these sins are physically observable, and yet they define our character.  They take prayer and practice to overcome, and they are heart issues.

So men, let’s not endorse modesty because we believe it’ll make it easier on us.  That train has no end:  she wears a long skirt, the girl that shows her ankles will be lusted after, etc.

Let’s endorse modesty because it helps the ladies in our lives be seen for being more than someone that men should avoid, someone that’s only advertising her body and looks.

Let’s endorse modesty for true beauty—the beauty that comes from within.

And let’s clean up our thought life, and practice putting off that old man and his temptations, such that when we’re tempted to lust after a person that is not ours we’re able to look the other way, to see that person dressed immodestly and react in a way that’s honorable to our wife and God.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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When I speak about Maintenance Issues in terms of clothing, I’m not talking about washing, drying and hemming clothes.  I’m talking about what needs to be done in order to maintain modesty while wearing different articles of clothing.

I was first exposed to this issue at Csehy Summer School of Music where I was counselor while at college.  Part of the discussion of how to perform a recital, for the young ladies, was how to take a bow.  For the flutist, they were to press the flute against their chest so that they would not expose themselves when they bowed.

The Problem With Necklines

To the male mind, there’s nothing more powerful than the chance to see something that they haven’t/shouldn’t see.  It’s powerful for them to get a look down a girl’s shirt.

With low necklines, even those that expose no cleavage, when a young lady bends over the clothing comes away from the chest, and the male’s eye head to see if they can see anything.

That’s a maintenance issue.

This means that you need to be aware of this so that you can maintain modesty while bending over this way.  Or simply bend at the waist.

The Problem With Hemlines

On the other end of the spectrum are hemlines.  Dresses or skirts that have a hemline below the knee may restrict movement depending on the material, but they easily maintain modesty in different positions.

When the hemline travels North of the knee, any time the lady might part her legs in a sitting position she may be offering a male a chance to see what used to be called “unmentionables.”

There are many famous celebrities that have been caught missing said unmentionables in public and can attest to this truth.

While a skirt that is above the knee may not be considered immodest in and of itself, it can present a maintenance issue because one has to know how to enter and exit a car like a lady, make sure to sit with the knees together and generally be aware of what can and cannot be seen.

These are just a couple of maintenance issues.  Do you have other ones?

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: hemline, maintenance, Neckline

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I was in second grade when the first girl showed interest in me.  How did I know that she liked me?  Her parents drove to my house after school one day to hand deliver a Valentine, and my mom dutifully informed me that she had a crush on me.

I can’t speak for all guys at all times, but being one, I can give you a window into what it’s like being a guy and explain part of what’s going on his mind—which is part of the reason that this modesty blog actually has a male author!

Boy Discovers Girls

Sometime in the teen years, a guy goes from thinking that girls are yucky to girls are desirable.  I believe that this often happens later for the guy than for the girl—and my experience with the way that young women dress in public school seems to bear that out.

While girls were celebrating some changes that were happening to them, and attempting to wear outfits to show the difference, most boys are still talking comic books, video games, and what sport they like.

Now, there are some that mature faster, and realize the attention that they can get from the girls.  However, these were mostly the players, more interested in conquests than commitment.

What Doesn’t Make Sense

Very few couples that start out in high school actually make it.  Even that couple that dated from the time they were freshmen often find that they drift apart during college.  That’s why it makes little sense to seek exclusive “rights” during high school, but that’s what often happens.

And this is formative, because while certain guys may “lock in” attractive girls, the rest of the guys that are there don’t know what to do about this, nor do they understand that there are more girls than who they see in high school.

So they can begin to get a deflated view of self.  This can lead them to attempting to become something that they are not, or trying to act out to get attention.  Or it can cause some good guys never to try—wondering what is wrong with them.

How This Applies to Modesty

You may find yourself in a situation where you wonder if you’ll ever be noticed.  All the girls around you are dressing in a provocative fashion, and you are not.  Or perhaps they look different or have different trends.

The point is that they are trading away something of value for a time in their lives where things will change.

Yes, guys see your looks first—I can’t deny that.  But guys in high school are just discovering things about themselves as you are discovering things about you.  They don’t have a good sense of value because they are learning to cope with new thoughts and feelings and hormones and right now is not the time to lose your convictions simply to be like everyone else.

Now’s the time to stand firm, because there will be guys that will stand firm as well—and it is these men and women, which show self control, that will be worth the wait.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 11 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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When I was in college, I worked in the Dining Common, and that meant that I got to see most of the student body on a daily basis.  Being that this was Bob Jones University, I saw men in dress shirts and ties and women in dresses and skirts.  This also meant that the men that were there also saw mostly dresses and skirts on women.

That made it really strange to visit the mall in Greenville, because you actually found out that women have two legs!

However, this environment led to some interesting conversations—one in particular had to deal with a girl that a friend of mine was dating.  He was head over heels for her, with emphasis on the heels.

You see, instead of talking about how pretty she was, how he liked her hair color or her eyes, this young man was all about her ankles.

You read that right, her ankles.  I think he said something to the effect that he believed that she had the perfect “Baby-making ankles.”  Something about hip to ankle ratio—and believe me, we looked at him as strangely as you are as you read this.

What Isn’t Seen

I shared this story because, like all conversations about modesty and men, much of it is about what is not seen and how easily the male mind can imagine what cannot be seen.

This is part of what we need to consider when we talk about skirt length.

Many of you understand this, and would have no problems with this, because I would suggest that the best length to shoot for is at least something that covers the knee.

Of the 61 of you that responded to our poll, 50 of you stated that your favorite length of skirt to wear was just that—something that covers the knee all the way down to stepping on it.

I’m hoping that the one that said “I don’t wear skirts” was either male or someone that that wears pants suits!

The reason that mini skirts and those that are mid-thigh are less modest than the longer length plays into the whole balance of what is seen verses what is not seen.

The less that is visible, the more it would take a male mind to invent.  Hence the reason that males at BJU would “wonder” whether girls have legs and my friend would think about ankles.

When it comes to the shorter skirts, the odds that his mind can fill in the rest increases.

How Can I Put it Better?

The female anatomy is (hopefully) a mystery in that very few will have seen it, and it’s also something that messes with us chemically and in terms of arousal.  And this is obvious to anyone since there’s a reason why the shorter skirts carry labels like “Sexy” and “Erotic.”  That’s no typo.

Practicality

Also, longer skirts are just simply more practical.  While skirts that sit just above the knee may not be considered that immodest, they carry with them more maintenance.

• The lady must remember to keep her knees together while sitting.
• The lady must remember how to exit and enter a car.
• I find that women with this length may find the skirt riding up, and may tend to make sure it’s down further.

The mini skirt (especially as it begins to look more like a wide belt) is definitely less than practical.  I mean, it may seem nice to have a gentleman pick up something that you’ve dropped, but in some cases, it’s hard to find one of them.  And even then, they have to be careful not to see something they shouldn’t when they bend down to pick it up!

And add to that all of what I said earlier in this section.

So, What Should I Wear?

If your goal is to be modest and do something with the least amount of extra effort, I’d suggest looking for skirts that at least cover the knee.  The longer the length, the less effort in terms of maintaining modesty of the go.  The less length the more there is to think about in terms of keeping private things private.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 13 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: length, skirt

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God created the male mind to be attracted to the female form.  No male has to be trained to find a girl attractive, and it’s the first thing that a man notices about a woman.

When a man walks down the street, he’s got an uncanny sense of those that are walking around them, and can quickly size up whether they find them attractive.  It’s said that a man knows within 20 seconds whether or not a woman is attractive simply by looking at their face.

Many men do not stop there, and will take in the “whole view” and make their decision then.

The Challenge

For the Christian male, part of the challenge is to take this inner sense and not to let it go from “oh, there’s a girl, she’s attractive” and let it get from there to “I wish that she were going home with me tonight.”  This is what Christ referred to after the Sermon on the Mount when He stated that looking at a woman to lust after her was the same as committing adultery.

The whole industry of pornography is a sinful amplification of this tendency of the male to look at something, get aroused and then want to act on that arousal.

I say all this not to be off putting, but to put the challenge bluntly.

The Reason Why It’s Difficult

The current Western Society does not make this task any easier as it uses the female form to sell everything from shampoo to health insurance to houses through advertisements on bill boards and television.  But if that weren’t enough, society has convinced women that they must display their body in order to fit in.

That means that, for the guy, an average trip to the mall, to the beach or just walking down the street in town presents a difficulty—he will see or notice every woman that passes (unless he can keep his mind otherwise engaged), and he must remember that he must keep his mind pure.

All right, But You Still Haven’t Answered the Question

Ok, fair enough.  The modest woman is different in that she does not present the challenge that those that choose to wear underwear in public present.  The man’s old nature is not tempted to see how much he can see because the woman intentionally keeps what is private private.

One of the best things a woman that seeks to be modest can do is to wear clothing that draws attention to the face…  That is where the man’s focus should be placed.

So, to sum it up in a word, a man finds a modest woman as comforting, and he’s grateful.

Is That All?

Well, no, because I lump this together with the idea that modesty helps a man see the woman for who she is, not what she is.  There is a big difference between how a man views an immodest woman compared to a modest woman.

An immodest woman is like an open invitation to all that would look.  It’s like a public performance.  She is telling the world something about her character, or lack thereof.

I’m not saying that every girl that wears something that shows a bit of her thigh or her cleavage is intentionally equating herself to someone who “works the street,” but the male mind will see “sex.”

A modest woman is like a private invitation to get to know the girl more.  There’s a beauty there that is not cheap.  It’s the motivation to open the door for her, to put your jacket on top of a mud puddle and to fight for her honor.

I mean, what honor is there when everything’s on display.

Did that answer the question?  Are there any follow ups?

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 23 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: christian guys, modest women

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Flashback To Eight Grade!

You’re sitting in the cafeteria, engaged in a heated discussion about boys with all your girlfriends [In case you didn't know, this example doesn't apply to MInTheGap or I - though we both were surrounded by all our girlfriends at lunch, right M? ;) ]. So there you were, concentrating on the girl to your left, when you hear your name! You look up – someone said your name! You’re positive! But no one is looking at you…so they weren’t trying to get your attention….Hmm…. they must have just said your name in conversation. Who was it you wonder…

Now, Back to  the Future…er…current day. 

Psychiatrists have noticed this weird phenomena  - not only the ability to pick your name out of a hundred conversations, but also key sounds, like a siren, or other words, such as “FIRE!” – as well. But they didn’t notice it in cafeterias, they noticed it at cocktail parties. So they named it “The Cocktail Party Effect” (very original, huh?).

So, you’re thinking now: “What is the significance of this weird Cocktail thingy?” Well, it proved to psychologists one cool thing: Our brains process more things then our conscious mind knows. See, when you were in the cafeteria, you were focused on your girlfriend’s conversation. That was the only thing your conscious mind knew at the time. But, your brain was processing all the information going on around you – all the conversations that were happening, filtering them for important information. You just didn’t know it was happening. 

So once your brain picked out your name from the mental sieve, it sent an alert to your conscious mind: “HEY! You’re name is being called!” You then felt the need to look around you for the name caller.

Pretty cool, huh? But what the heck does this have to do with modesty?

Well, the male mind works in a similar way – not with hearing, but with sight. A guy can pick out an immodestly dressed female from a long distance away, without even knowing it. It’s the Cocktail Effect, but with vision. Our mind isn’t processing or looking for immodesty (well, some minds aren’t…), but the unconscious sinful self is doing it all the time.

What’s really scary is that we’re good at it. Very good. If they made a new version of “Where’s Waldo?” and named it “Where’s Wendy?” (Or even “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? “), dressing her in an immodest outfit…well, lets just say that guys wouldn’t need to look in the back for the answer.

Now, when the mind does find something, it sends an alert to the consious mind: “Hot Girl at 10:00!!!”. Our eyes unconsciously  zip in that direction, and then God kicks in. He says “You really shouldn’t be doing that”. We persist: “But…but…” He persists, and because he has a sense of humor ( I know he does), he adds a pun: “No Butts”.

Then we have a moment of thinking. Should we keep our eyes away? Or should we follow God’s will? It sounds oh so easy, but I’m sure MInTheGap will agree with me when I say that its one of the hardest things to do.

Very, very, very hard.

And so the battle continues…never to end.

FL

© Foy for Is This Modest?, 2009. | Permalink | 12 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: cocktail party effect, psychologist, The Male Mind

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There’s a term in Psychology known as closure. It’s when we as humans take in incomplete images, and without conscious effort, our minds “fill in the blanks”. For instance, in the above image we see a dalmatian. In fact, the image is just a bunch of black blotches, but in the way they are arranged, they appear to form an image…at least in our heads. But what does this have to do with modesty and proms, the theme of the site and the theme of the month?

Guy’s minds use the concept of closure quite a bit. When women wear revealing clothing, or even when they wear modest clothes, our minds play the “Fill in the Gap” game without our conscious thought. Our minds try to fill in the gaps in the flesh that clothes hide. It’s yet another sad fact about how we work.

This “closure” is known about by the media. Many times in film, nude scenes are portrayed merely by head shots. For some reason, when we see no straps on the shoulders we automatically assume that the person is naked, even though nothing is visible that suggests that. This picture is an example:

There’s nothing to suggest that she is nude, but for some reason our mind conceives that she is, even though we can’t see her body.

Knowing this fact, however strange, creepy, or scary it sounds, can be very helpful when picking an outfit at the prom. If a guy sees entire bare shoulders, without straps, it’s easier to imagine what is below than if there is something to obstruct the vision at shoulder level.

The key is not to give what I call “ends” – a bare end of your body, however small.

The same goes with footware. Wearing a full bodied shoe prevents the male mind from moving upwards from bare feet. Movies occasionally use bare feet around scattered clothes to create the illusion of nudity, as suggested by this photo:

The key to remember is to “close up your ends” – try not to show too much of a bare shoulder, and not too much of a completely bare foot (feet).

F.L.

© Foy for Is This Modest?, 2009. | Permalink | 36 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: bare feet, prom, straps, The Male Mind

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