Honey, I’m just getting on to check my e-mail.

The problem with the modern computer system and the modern male is that there’s a time vortex that envelopes your husband when he sits down behind the glowing screen.

He’s incapable of giving appropriate time estimates, because there’s always something to do while he’s trying to get something accomplished.

Take it from a guy in the computer industry.  I don’t know how many times I’ve though a project that I was working on would “only take 2-3 days” and it ends up taking a whole week.  No matter how much we prep for something taking a short period of time, it ends up taking longer.

So, instead of complaining that we’re on all the time, you may want to try one of the following ideas:

1. Get on the Computer Yourself: This works especially well if you only have one.  Not only will you show him what it feels like, but he can’t be on when you are.
2. Plan an activity:  If you’re headed out the door, it’s hard for them to stay online.
3. Entice him with a different activity: I’m sure you can be creative here—and that there’s something that could get him off faster.
4. Complain about the amount of time he’s on: This one is dangerous.  Done too much and he might just start ignoring you or become bitter.
5. Remember that Accident We Talked About: If the Internet or power accidentally went out…

Oh, and a word of warning.  If it’s you that are online all the time, beware that he finds this post and tries these on you!

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Rachel

Wife: "Sweetie, I’d like to watch Barefoot Contessa and see what she’s cooking today."
Hubby: "Great idea, I love Barefoot Contessa. And while we’re at it, maybe we can catch an episode of What Not to Wear."

I must confess.  I’ve watched a few episodes of What Not to Wear myself.  But then, the idea of spending $2,000 on such few articles of clothing and chopping off hair that took years to grow just started getting old.

What this one is getting at, I believe, is that men and women have different ideas of what makes entertainment.  And people usually like to have company when they watch television (even if they are the mind-numbed robot while the show is on).

Why does the guy lie about wanting to watch your shows?

My guess is that he wants the reciprocal treatment when he wants to watch an action flick.  He’s saying “I’ll watch this with you, if you’ll watch this with me.”  Or perhaps, he might just be wanting to have more time to play Video Games.  You never know.

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A common argument against the wearing of modest apparel is that it is nothing better than those that sell sexy clothing—both groups are objectifying women:

And, furthermore, this stupid idea that “modest is hottest” has come out. It’s preached repeatedly that women should dress modestly, but this is still sexualizing and objectifying women’s bodies. Each time I’m admonished to dress modestly out of concern for my Christian brothers and their purity, I’m being taught that I should expect to be objectified, that my body is something I ought to be ashamed of. The fact is that whether you are saying that a girl is hot because her entire chest is hanging out or that she is hot because she is covered up, you are still praising her for her body. This is objectification. I just for once want to hear that modesty is an issue of self-respect and not just out of “protecting my brothers in Christ.”  [Girls Aren’t Funny, Feminism, and Human Trafficking: Words I Think Need Said]

If it were not for the fact that men were attracted to women’s bodies we would not have a problem with modest clothing.  I’m reminded of this fact every time I go to my children’s swim class.  The boys wear long shorts and sometimes shirts/rash guards.  The girls wear form fitting suits or two-pieces.  At that age, there’s little visible difference between to two sexes, and yet the two are trained from even this young age that girls show more of their form when swimming than boys.

Objectification Begins

I’m not sure when objectification really starts, but what I am sure of is that it is a two way street.  What I mean by this is that men do objectify women, but women permit this activity—and I would say they even encourage it.

Just look at who the female roll models are for little girls growing up—who do the little girls want to be?

• They want to be the cheerleader, the girl getting attention in her short skirt doing all kinds of acrobatics.
• They want to be the “class queen” that gets all the attention of the boys.
• They want to be a supermodel or actress, and live a glamorous lives they see depicted on television.

We do not (usually) see them dreaming about being a stay at home mom with 4 kids in tow running to the supermarket in a mini-van because they just ran out of milk and the youngest is crying up a storm.  They are the princesses, not the servant girls.

The Realization of the Power of the Female Form

It does not take long for young girls to realize that the pretty girls are the ones that get attention—and the prettier they are, the more skin they show, and the more they flirt the more attention they get.  It’s a drug, a vicious cycle, and the problem is that this need for attention (and receiving it from a source that is improper) is feeding men’s objectification and taking it to new levels.

As women show more, flirt more, and are more receptive to the depravity of man, it takes more to attract man’s attention.  The fact that men can now see and be exposed to the female form in all states of undress and immorality for free from the privacy of their own home has done nothing but hurt women in many ways.

So, what does modesty try to do?  The modesty movement, “Modest is hottest” and the like, attempts to return women to a sense of control by stopping the cycle.  By unveiling what is happening in men’s minds, the hope is that women will see it and be repulsed and turn away—desiring attention from appropriate sources instead of getting it through “primal urges”.

And yet I can see where this appears objectifying in and of itself—it states that there is power in the female form over a man’s mind.  Does anyone really dispute this?  Even in Song of Solomon (long before the Internet), the wife of Solomon was rejoicing in her physical features and that hers were better than those of her sister.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

So, let’s recognize the problem, and whether you dress modestly because you want to stop men from lusting after you (objectifying men to some degree, it could be argued) or out of self respect, let us all agree that this has gone too far and start to try to walk this back—if it still is possible.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
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I believe that there are a few basic reasons for lack of modesty among women:

• A girl doesn’t realize HOW different men are and what struggles they have with seeing women dressed in certain ways.
• A girl may realize that men have struggles visually with sexual temptation but may believe that she is not a temptation to any men due to her feelings about her size/shape/appearance.
• A girl may realize how much attention she gets from men when wearing revealing clothing and that attention makes her feel great, so she purposely dresses to turn heads because of pride and enjoying male attention.
• A girl may be unaware of the temptation men struggle with and just be trying to be “cute” and following fashion trends.
• A girl may not have been exposed much to the concept of modesty and it may just not be on her radar and she may be oblivious to the torture that guys must endure due to a lack of female sensitivity to this subject and not realize she could be a blessing by dressing differently.
• A girl may not have a dad (and/or mom) who enforced any kind of limits about how to dress and why it is important.
• Our culture’s fashion influence and blatant sexually explicit media influence can desensitize people to the need for modesty.
• A girl doesn’t understand how much better she would be treated and what a higher caliber of guys she would and could attract if she were to dress modestly and femininely. She doesn’t know the blessing and power that is inherent in modest, feminine clothing.

The way that we dress and present ourselves is a product of our internal dialogue and priorities. Regardless of our religious background or relationship to God, our own personal desires and priorities will be evident in our choice of clothing, makeup, grooming and accessories.

I Had Always Been Modest

When I was growing up, I didn’t think that clothing was that big of a deal and didn’t really think much about it. I bought t-shirts and jeans because they were inexpensive. I was modest because I was mortified and embarrassed not to be. But I didn’t dress very femininely because I didn’t feel very feminine. I didn’t think of myself as being that attractive and didn’t think I was a temptation to any guys. I didn’t realize just how much of an issue the whole visual thing is for guys – or I would have been extremely freaked out!

My priorities were: price, practicality, modesty, and comfort. Those internal priorities helped me choose the clothing I believed was appropriate.

If someone has priorities of showing how much money they have, or want people to think they have, they will choose clothing that lets everyone know it is expensive. Choosing name brand clothing and high dollar items tells people that your priority is wealth and looking “high maintenance” or “expensive.”

If someone doesn’t think highly of herself and doesn’t believe she has much to offer to anyone and/or is embarrassed about her body shape or size, she may choose to wear baggy, ill-fitting clothes, and choose to wear things that hide her shape or look unkempt or sloppy. Some girls actually choose to look frumpy to avoid male attention because they are terrified of attracting men.

How You Dress Is Impacted By Your Priorities

If a person’s priorities are to fit in with the in-crowd- that person’s choices in dress will fit their priorities to try to match whatever the popular crowd is wearing.  And, of course, the popular crowd is generally going to be wearing clothing that glorifies a girl’s body and draws attention and admiration to herself so that others will like her and want to be around her for her beauty and style.  The in-crowd almost always involves dressing in ways that are immodest – probably because a big part of being one of the most popular girls in school is to flaunt one’s body and beauty and to be known for being able to “have” any guy she wants.

There are many religions that use clothing to tell others who their followers are.

• Certain Jewish groups expect men and boys over 12 to wear caps to show they are Jewish and some Jewish groups require married women to cover their hair.
• Some Muslim groups require specific dress and head coverings for modesty purposes, but also to identify themselves as Muslim.
• People involved in Goth groups dye their hair black and wear certain make up and black clothing and body piercings to show they are part of that group and identify with the beliefs and mindsets of that group.

Our clothing is important because it is quite a bill-board to advertise to the world, without a word from us, what some of our deepest priorities are.

If a person desires to imitate Christ, then the qualities of character that belonged to Jesus will be important to the one who is following Jesus. If my priorities are love, peace, kindness, joy, humility, gentleness, faithfulness, purity, self-control, meekness and godliness- what does that look like in clothing choices? There are no set Biblical standards of dress. But the Bible does address women in particular that they are to dress modestly and both genders are told not to dress like the other gender. If I believe the Bible’s description of marriage being a parable of the “mystery of Christ and His Church” and that husbands represent Christ in the marriage relationship and that the wife represents the Church, that will also affect my priorities, my definition of femininity and the choices I make in how I speak, how I think, how I act toward my husband and other men, and how I dress. I want to be careful not to attract the sexual attention of other men, and I want to dress to celebrate the gift of femininity that God has given to me.

What is Modesty?

My favorite definition of modesty is that it is “humility in clothing.” Pride would draw attention to ME. Humility draws attention to God, by allowing men to focus on my face and my character instead of my body.

My attitude is that my purpose in life is two-fold – to love God with all my heart/mind/soul/strength and to love other people as myself – these are the two greatest commandments according to Jesus in the New Testament.  When I apply this filter and mindset to my wardrobe, I must be sure that my clothing honors God (and God’s Word says that my body is His temple if I am a believer in Christ) and that it blesses other people and doesn’t harm them.

So I choose clothing that shows I am a woman- for me, I love to wear skirts. They make me feel very soft and feminine. I feel beautiful when I wear girly clothing. But when I choose feminine clothing, I also want to do my best not to cause another person to fall into temptation. I like wearing long skirts because they don’t draw attention to the crotch/bottom area, (in the winter it is easy to wear leggings underneath for extra warmth, and the whole modesty question is handled, no risk of showing more leg than I intended to) and skirts/dresses quickly identify me as a girl. I am also careful to try to wear crew neck tops or higher collars, not plunging necklines or tops that are too short, out of respect for men that will have to look at me.

I also want to set a godly example for my daughter, and my son, about what it means to be a joyful, vibrant, beautiful, modest, godly woman.

I don’t believe there is one size fits all to modesty. I believe true modesty comes from a heart of humility that seeks to point attention to God not self and that seeks the good of other people and doesn’t want to cause them to stumble into sexual temptation.

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One of the highest forms of pride is the idea that I need only be concerned about myself and that I need not worry about those around me or how my actions will affect them.  We see this in young children all the time—they want what they want when they want it, and if they don’t get it they make sure that they are heard.

When women are confronted with the idea that how they dress affects a man, the common response is, “Well, he should control himself!”  broken_pieces shares on her blog, it’s important that when we act, we take into account how our actions will impact others:

I had all the good intentions when dressing, to please myself and God. I never had intentions to provoke men. But does that really matter?

Pastor Al Martins once said, the purity of  your motive does not negate the effects of your actions. That means, that inasmuch as I was dressing with pure motives, the fact that I was a stumbling block to many men cannot go unnoticed, rather ignored by God. Heb 10:24 tells us to provoke one another unto love and good works. But what do we do when we dress scantily or less modest? We are putting our brothers in a compromising situation and even though they have a personal responsibility to be pure we are not helping them in any way. We are provoking them to lust, to covet that which is not theirs and to probably fall into the sin of adultery or fornication because of that small mini or LBD.  Christ said if you look at a woman lustfully, you have already committed adultery with her. Then again, adultery is not one way, it is two way. The person who lusted and the person who caused the lust are both on the wrong.  Christ said woe unto the man whose hand causes sin. So like Robbert G. Spinney, I will ask, ‘are you an accessory to adultery?’  Do you participate in the breaking up of other people’s homes by the way you dress?

[Modesty – Woman’s Thorn  via Christian Femininity]

While I totally believe that the man is responsible for allowing himself to succumb to temptation, I ask the female readers, is it right to exercise your liberty and become that temptation to the men around you?  Is this something that helps to build up and edify, or is this an exercise of pride?

We must make sure that our heart attitude toward modesty is correct, before we can actually see that purity reflected in our lives!

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Look at what you are wearing today. What might someone hear your clothing say about you?

• “She is a totally relaxed person who insists on comfort.” “She isn’t looking for guys or dates, she is simply wanting to be engaged in life.”
• “She doesn’t want to fade into a crowd. She wants to be seen” “She wants guys to follow her and be interested.” “She is looking for a guy.”
• “He hopes others with avoid him. He doesn’t want to talk to others” “He isn’t comfortable with emotions.” “He would rather join in a group for fun than a serious talk.”
• “He is current, into style and knows he is cute.” “He is not showing off his physical body as much as his personality.” “He thinks deeply, and probably is emotional.”
• “He wants to spend the least amount of time possible on looks. He has more important issues in life. He doesn’t care about clothes.” “What does he care about?”
• “She is filthy rich. Only the latest styles from the highest line of designers. She has gobs of money and wants to advertise it.” “She will flaunt it and doesn’t care much about those in need.”
• “She is insecure. Trying to cover up. She is concerned about drawing attention.” “She wants to disappear.”
• “She is she needy, desperate to be seen, desires to be desired.” “She is advertising this need by luring guys to look.”
• “She wants people to think she is older, more mature, settled, professional.” “She is conservative, knows herself.” 
• “He likes to laugh and make people laugh – but he doesn’t really care about how he looks, he might not be so comfortable with himself.”

We don’t need our clothes to speak loudly. Clothing can be selected purposely for emotion/feelings through color, or being a tone or shape that fits our body type without blaring a message.

Truly, it is not so much what we wear (a surface issue/a tool) but the condition of our heart.

We live in a sinful world: Hurt. Rejection. Insults. Abuse. Isolation. Anger. Jealousy. Unloved.

However we can move toward God’s redemption and antidote for sin: Healing. Acceptance. Kindness. Love. Joy. Fellowship.

Often only we (and God) can hear the whole message our clothing speaks. The truth is sometimes our clothing may say something we never intended it to say simply because we didn’t really think about the fact that our clothes does speak. After you dress, look at yourself in the mirror. Listen carefully and take its message before God and ask Him if there is anything He wants to work on. You see – the heart issues must be dealt with before we try on another clothing message. A costume gets old when it has to be put on day after day. Deal with God on the spiritual level and your clothing will begin to speak the message you would hope it would speak.

But, the first step is self-awareness of reality by admitting you have something to address. And I think it is great that our selection of clothes can help us become aware of our unconscious thinking and thereby, help us make better choices in life. And ultimately, to become more like Christ, which should be everybody’s goal!

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This had mixed results. Some verses weren’t exactly encouraging! One counselor was talking about what had happened and wondered why a verse like “Be sure your sin will find you out” was on his bed! Without giving away that I was the instigator, I tried to say that it was the thought that counts.

Your mission for this weekend, if you choose to accept, is to purchase a candy bar (does not have to be elaborate or big) and attach some kind of encouraging writing– be it a verse, poem, limmrick or joke– and place it for someone to find but not let them know it’s from you! Write about the experience– what did it feel like getting it ready? Were you able to see their reaction? Did they find you out? What did you learn about the experience?

Of course, should you still want to participate but don’t have access to candy or don’t have the time, you can still write about what has happened in your life in the past that you have been able to show kindness or kindness was shown to you! If you’re interested in this mission, or just participating, leave a comment and let us know which way you’re going to go!

View Weekend Kindness Entries as they Appear!

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I applied for the opportunity to live in a community in a Latin American country for two weeks without being aware of what I would be exposed to, what feelings I would feel, who I would meet and what I would eat. It was an unknown world to me and a plunge into the unknown. Change is hard and being placed in new environment that is unlike what one is used to is a challenge itself.

When we first arrived to Panama we were taken into a Vincentian Formation Center in which we were welcomed with love and a lot of Panamanian food. We found a world of great hospitality with our hosts and in my heart I felt that they went the extra mile to make us feel welcomed. I personally felt that they did not have to do that and felt troubled expressing my gratitude for their hospitality. Everyone in the group was grateful and amazed at the great kindness that was demonstrated by the Panamanians. Through my journey I found Panamanians to be kind and unselfish. They provide the best for their guests even if they did not have much to provide. They received satisfaction as one accepted their act of kindness and to say, “No, Thank you” would bring disappointment and lack of respect to them. God was present in every person that provided us with any commodity to make us feel welcomed and comfortable in the foreign land. The Panamanians taught me that I did not have to be rich to be happy. Whether we have a lot or a little, it is significant to make something out of nothing in this life. They taught me to be humble and modest in my society. I learned to accept as well as to give. Panamanians are role models and they helped me to overcome the challenge of being uncomfortable with hospitality and to share what blessings I have been given with my community.

It’s amazing what kindness to those that we do not know or who are different then us can do to a person.  We may never know the total impact that our simple acts of kindness may have on others.  Let this be an encouragement to you to demonstrate kindness in even the most mundane circumstances, and especially to people that may not be like you!

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Hubby: “<Insert name of male neighbor> is only going to stay and play <insert name of random video game> for a few minutes.”

The truth of the matter is that he will have that friend/neighbor over as long as he can—or at least as long as it takes for him to win it at least once.

Why? Because men are competitive by nature. They want to show off their new game, and they want to beat you at it. Nothing says “I’m a bigger guy” than besting someone at a game where you are represented by pixels on a screen.

To get in on this one, simply learn to play the game too—that way you’ll get involved. Either that, or master the art of the “accidental” power outage.

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Girls–in general–are placing sexy photos online, particularly Facebook pages. If you are a parent you MUST be diligent to check-out your child’s photos, but also your child’s friends’ photos. I know, you really don’t want to be known as the ‘stalker parent.’ But the alternative, of not checking the photos out, can be you choosing to let lewd, lustful photos slide and be posted online that can very easily damage your child’s reputation and also could draw predators to your child’s page.

We don’t like to think about this, because it forces us to realize that our children are growing up and frankly they can be making some not so wise choices. Also, many parents don’t know what is happening on the popular online sites, and they will laughingly say, “I don’t have time for that.”

Looking Deeper At Our Parenting

But at a deeper level in a parent’s heart, the real reason is that they get involved is that they don’t want to know. When you know, you are accountable and this can bring up conflict between you and your child. Parenting is hard, and understandably no parent wants to make the job harder. But we also must face our God given responsibility of training our children up in godly wisdom. What better way can we guide them than in watching what they are doing, showing, and saying! Now let me be clear – I am not talking about day and night censorship. You have to trust God. This means you are going to trust Him in working in your life and in the life of your child. The Holy Spirit is a really great observer. Matter of fact, He doesn’t miss anything. Parents are more effective when they lean on Him to prompt them for times when they need to take a closer look. (This is how some parents get the reputation that they have eyes in the back of their head and ear’s like tigers.)

What were they thinking? Fame, trophies, pride, winning!

My teenage son passed by the television when the show, Dance Moms, was having a new season preview commercial. The comment he made was telling! “And, you want to know why there are so many child porn people?” he said, touching the landing of the stairs and quickly exited the room. For me, his comment hung in the air like a freshly burned dish. The costumes on this girls really stunk. The girls did look like hookers ready to walk down a city red-light district. And the dance moves were even more alluring: these little nine to twelve year old girls sexily sashayed across the stage. To think that mothers paid to have their child taught to be a trained nightclub stripper was amazing!

Then I looked at my daughter and saw her lying on the sofa in her typical t-shirt and jeans outfit. My daughter’s style is modern, artsy and modest. I am quite thankful to God I have not had to battle this issue with my children, but it isn’t just a luck of the stars. I have been slowly -little by little- teaching them since they where young.

Training Begins Young

I can’t forget the time our old daughter, so sweet at age four, proudly walked into the kitchen stark naked except for a bright pink cap. She even struck a fancy pose! Quickly and calmly,  I told our sons to look away and then I snatched up my little princess and brought her to her room. Gently, I explained that it is NEVER appropriate to come out of her room undressed. Simultaneously, my husband taught our boys to never look upon a girl that is not clothed; they have a choice to make and the right one is to turn their head.

A few years later we dealt with “hooker girl” cartoon characters in a Japanese magna books. If you haven’t seen them don’t look them up but the early middle school (6th grade/11 year olds) in our town became magna cartoon book crazy. Even though we homeschool my daughters’ friends who attend school introduced her to some of the thirty minute cartoon videos. The characters were drawn with garter belt objects on their upper arm, low plunging necklines, and short sassy skirts with hose and high heels. Can you say, “hooker”?

My heart cringed!

I did not want to discuss girls that dance to make money or girls that walk the street. But she cried when I said she couldn’t look at the books or video and wanted to know why. I’ve always been honest, so once again I had ‘a talk’ with my daughter but this time I was teaching her something way before she needed to be informed. She was still innocent about these things, and I was forced to lightly introduce her to a sad, sinful part of life. I was brief and didn’t go into much detail.

So What About Online Photos?

Over the years, I continually check out a lot of photos on Facebook, especially on my nieces, nephews, and children’s friends’ pages. Pictures tell a lot about a person. If a girl feels comfortable posing in front of a camera or phone barely dressed in a sexual, compromising way, it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to know what she has been exposed to and what she might consider acceptable, normal behavior. I am not a prude. I don’t live by inches (like precisely measured lengths) or require carefully scripted photos.

But  through photos, I can see trouble from a distance. Looking helps me to parent, informs me when I have to be more careful about certain friends of my children, and gives me teachable moment.

As in the example of my daughter when she was so little shows, being comfortable with your own body is a natural feeling. We don’t want to’ freak out’ our children so that they will not be prepared for intimacy in their marriage, but we additionally don’t want to rush their childhood or literally endanger them with unsavory ‘friends’.

What’s a Parent to do?

Try it- take an hour to browse through the photos of friends on Facebook. If you have young relatives, look at their pictures. Don’t be a parent that thinks if you don’t look it isn’t really happening. Make yourself aware. And lean on God, pray, read Scripture and talk with you husband to determine the best way to talk with your children if you discover something that needs to be addressed.

And if you are a young lady that has placed these kinds of photos on Facebook ask yourself this question, “What does the photo communicate to men?” Is it a godly message? Could it cause someone to be sexually attracted? From a women who has been married happily now for 27+ years, I promise, you will never have to convince a man that you are sexually attractive, but you may have to tell several men you are not sexually available. Don’t show-off what isn’t available! Save yourself for your special ‘just-for-you’ husband. Your sex appeal is for his eyes only. And this private intimacy will go a long way to helping you have a healthily, happy marriage.

© lindyabbott for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: facebook, parenting, photos, sex, stalker

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Some of you that read this blog are bloggers yourselves.  Some of you have Facebook accounts, Google Circles, Tumblrs or other means of communicating.

For this challenge, I’d love for you to, sometime this week, write a post about a time that you were blessed by the kindness of someone else around you—someone you know or that you don’t know.

Link to this site, or let us know where to find your post in the comments below. 

Come back next week to see our next challenge!

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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One of my first blogs I created was a take off of a meme that I followed—I wanted to encourage people to be kind and practice random acts of kindness.  To that end, I encouraged people to do different acts of kindness and blog about it.

From there, I branched into talking about kindness—highlighting kind things around the Internet and talking about how you can show kindness and build relationships.

As part of being modest is showing humility and kindness, this shows outgrowth in our relationships.  So it would make perfect sense to encourage you and me to be kind and to spread this kindness all around.

So, every Saturday you’ll get a challenge to complete before the next week as well as bit of encouragement on kindness!

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Rachel

Hubby, on the first Saturday of college football season: "Don’t worry, sweetie, I’m only going to watch one game today."

The funny thing is, this one sounds awfully like a story that my pastor tells about when he got married.  His wedding day was shortly before Jan 1st, and all of you that like to watch bowl games know that this was bound to cause a problem.

His family was used to watching all the games all day.  His wife didn’t even know what football was.  And they were on their honeymoon.

The truth is, that whether it’s football or some other thing that a husband wants to do, he’s saying part what he thinks you want to hear, part what he has set for a goal, and part what he knows (if he sat down to think about it) what will probably will not happen.

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Post tags: football, honeymoon, lieswivesbelieve

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The idea for the site was two fold:

First, we’ll take a look at the husband/wife dynamic as it pertains to the communication between husband and wife—in a funny way, of course.

Second, we’ll take a look at some of the things that wives believe about themselves, and try to shine a light on the truth of the situation.

As part of Is This Modest, we’ll be be looking at the married relationship and seeing how we can be modest (inside and out) with respect to our married lives.  I’m hoping that, along the way, we’ll get more wives to contribute what they’ve learned, and singles can also get information about the lives they may be headed into.

While some of the content may look the same as what is on Lies Wives Believe, I will be reviewing and editing it all to make it fit with this purpose.

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Post tags: Introduction, lieswivesbelive

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One reaction to the increasing presence of pornography in our culture is disgust—and this is a genuine and good feeling.  No individual should be objectified, and the perversion of something that was meant for marriage and the changing of a person into something to use to get pleasure is wrong.

It’s not pornography itself as much as what it does to the male viewer’s mind.  His mind is altered, his perception about women—especially the women around him—is changed.  He is not the same after seeing porn, and his expectations are skewed to the filth he has viewed.

The problem is that this viewing is something that’s keyed directly into his foremost communication area—his brain.  He gets pleasure from seeing and partaking in this sin, and he wants more.

However, a recent post at communicatelife brought up a good point.  Instead of fighting one another (for temptation for men is everywhere from the Internet to the local mall), Christian men and women should be teaming together to stop the spread of this nasty filth.

She has a three point action plan:

1. Cover the lives of the men in your life with prayer
2. Make sure that how you dress and interact with men is modest and upright.
3. Be the women that God wants you to be.

Exactly what we’ve been saying here at Is This Modest—it needs to be more than how we dress.  We need to be men and women of character, that shows through in our clothing.  We need to be mad with sin and what it does to others… so mad that we’re willing to do anything we can to help one another and build each other up.

She closes this way:

So, how about it girls? Will you join me in the fight against pornography? Let us live our lives in such a way that we inspire men to godliness.

So what’ll it be?

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: addiction, fight, Pornography

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From time to time we get requests from new blogs looking to get noticed and we also stumble upon blogs that are talking about our topic.  As we get opportunity, we’ll pass them along to you so you can read more on the topic!

Modthirtyone is a relatively new blog on the modesty scene.  Starting December 8, 2011, Anh Nguyen starts off her blog asking the question: Modesty: Antiquated or Revolutionary?

One of the more adventurous things she is doing is the 30 Day Dress Dare—where she is attempting to dress only in dresses and skirts for the month of May.  It’s a good thing she’s not trying this in January… brrr!

Anh also features ways to put together looks like Kate Middleton—there’s a lot there, and she’s very new to blogging and could use encouragement!

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | 2 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: blog, fashion, modesty

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On the other hand, I look at the phone as a communication device—one that I want to get and send short messages with the purposes of relaying crucial information.

When we talk about modesty and humility, it’s interesting in the context of the way that we communicate.  To the man, other than when he’s courting a woman, he generally wants to get the phone call done with in order to actually be with the person or to get about his business.

So to him, your desire to share everything that’s going on with him during your phone call may seem a little like you’re over-sharing or proud.  Check out this video:

The truth is, you’re verbal, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering why, when my wife’s mom is on her way, she still needs to talk to you on the phone for half an hour before she gets there and an hour later that night.

So, this difference of communication allows for both parties to practice modesty and humility.  The husband can understand his wife’s need for communication, and actually be interested in what she has to say—invest time and put her first.  The wife can understand what the husband is doing and his need for timely communication and value when and where she has her conversation with him.

Putting the other first is definitely modest.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: communication, talking

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What is a church to do? How can they possibly help so many hurting and needy people? And how do so many people actual get wounded by regular church members?

We need to examine whom we trust, place our expectations in and dependence on for our needs.

While the church and friends are called to be the hands and feet of God, we all must learn people can’t replace God or substitute for Him. When we realize that God is all we have, we often discover He is all we need! It is through knowing Him more and allowing Him to breathe into our soul we are able to heal, get our life on track, and eventually be a friend to others.

I am a person who has hurt deeply. I have felt wounded by churches. I have longed for loving friendships with Christians and been let down. If you have also, I want you to know that GOD is enough. He is sufficient. He will listen and talk and love. Fellowship others is important but it never tops our personal relationship with God.

When we have horrible seasons in life, we are easily hurt. Often we don’t realize how needy and venerable we are. We unconsciously compare ourselves to other church members and families, and feel intimated or self-conscious of our own sin. I have learned very few people will love you like family. I have no strong family ties, practically no weak ones either, so I know what it is like to have no one physically come to me when I need help the most, but I will testify that GOD has never failed to come.

And in due time, when I am ready, He brings the people I need in my life, for each season. Often He is waiting for me to run to Him!

If you have been wounded by a church or know someone who won’t attend church because of being hurt, a person’s relationship to God is what needs strengthening. I would highly recommend Kay Arthur’s Bible Study, “Lord, I want to know you” and “Lord, Heal My hurts.”

I truly don’t believe a person who has believed God (as He says He is in the Bible) and made a personally decision to trust Him completely with their life, can ever “walk away” from their relationship with God. We are sons and daughters for life; we have a permanent relationship with God through Christ Jesus. We are a new creation born from God’s Spirit and sealed by the Holy Spirit Who will never ever leave us. So we can walk away all we want feeling negatively about religion and pain from church experiences, but we just can’t ever get out of God or get God out of us. He doesn’t let go. He hold us when we give up or give out.

Relationship and fellowship are two different things. I will always be in a reconciled relationship with God once I confess to be so with my mouth and believe in my heart that Jesus is the Lord and Christ. But through disappointment, crisis, hurt, rejection, etc. and our own sinful choices, we can walk out of fellowship with Him.

When someone walks away and never looks back, they never knew God; truly knew God as He describes Himself in Scripture, and trusted in Him to be their Lord and Savior in repentance, turning toward Him and away from sin. In the end, only God knows the heart’s condition. When a person has been wounded by church they need to remember a church is simply a group of people that will never  be perfect, but God is always exactly what we need!

© lindyabbott for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: abuse, Christian abuse, church abuse, hurting, unchurched, wounded by church

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The Caffeinated Catholic Mama tackled a recent article from The Huffington Post .  In that article, the focus was on a senior picture from a pretty blond girl that crossed the line.  It’s provocative, such that we will not use it on this site, but all I have to say is short skirt and tube top and you get the idea.

The yearbook staff cut it from the yearbook and requested that the girl submit another photo, and of course she’s protesting the fact that she will not be able to appear showing off her body.

What CCM wondered, however, is how she should go about raising her daughter to dress modestly without attempting to shame others—and I can understand this sentiment.  On this site, when we were doing clothing reviews, we often found that the conversation could quickly go from talking about whether a clothing item was modest to talking about the motives for wearing a particular item.

When it gets to this point it ceased being about trying to be modest and turned into pride.

How do we teach our daughters to say NO, with confidence and to CLEARLY communicate their desires without making them think it’s somehow their fault if something bad happens?

We begin teaching it now. Some of us are parents of strong willed children. Children who LOVE to say the word NO. Children whom we label contrary, or difficult or challenging. Right now, we relish in the thought of being able to extract that NO out of their vocabulary, to mold them in to obedient automatons but those are the teens and young adults we want our children to grow up to be. Ones who are confident enough in themselves to be able to look someone in the eye and say NO. Ones who know that wearing a bandeau top and micro mini might now be the best idea and certainly will broadcast a message about them, that that message might not be received as  ”Hey, I am a person, someone’s daughter, sister, mother, aunt, friend, and I was created in my Father’s likeness!” That they will have to be very clear in their desires and intentions.

And I believe she’s right on here.  There’s no secret that if we want to give our children character and to teach them something to last a lifetime, we need to start early.  We need to model behavior, and we need to impart to them that they are created in God’s image, but it goes further than that…

[I]t also means teaching our daughters that they are more than flesh and bone. That they are more than the clothes on their back. That they are more than just a pretty face. That beauty and figures fade, but character lasts a lifetime.  [Modest Dress, Slut Shaming, and Empowering Our Daughters – What’s a Mama to Do?]

Exactly.  We’re more than our clothing—covering everything or lack of it.  It’s the character that comes from within that makes an outfit modest.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Girls, parenting

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Having watched football for the first time in a while the other night as Tim Tebow and the Broncos lost to Tom Brady and the Patriots, I can say I didn’t even notice the pants that the players were wearing.  Did you?

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: pants

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