The first human woman to appear in Proverbs is the adulteress in chapter 2. The warnings are for men to avoid an adulterous woman.  But many of the warnings to men would also apply to us as we seek to avoid adulterous men, as well.  We can also look at the adulteress and examine our own lives to be sure we don’t pattern ourselves after her. Adultery always leads to destruction physically, sexually, emotionally and spiritually for everyone involved – with children often paying the highest price. An extramarital affair – whether purely “emotional” or actually sexual  is something that is worth avoiding at all costs! 

GUARDING AGAINST ADULTERY IS UNNECESSARY – I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!

When I was a young newlywed 21 year old, I was extremely naive.  I believed that certain people were “above” certain sins.  But the longer I have lived and witnessed the behavior of people and seen the sinfulness of my own heart, the more I see and understand that if any person is far enough away from God, isolated enough from other believers, and has the right circumstances and temptation – we are all plenty capable of just about any evil.

THIS IS A POTENTIAL TEMPTATION AND PITFALL FOR EVERYONE

We ALL need to guard our hearts against adultery.  We all need to make this one of our biggest priorities!  Satan would love nothing better than to tempt us with a man who seems so much “better” than our husband. Or, you may be a single girl who becomes smitten with another woman’s husband. He just seems SO AMAZING! SO WONDERFUL! He’s funny, intelligent, smart, handsome, sexy, he “understands you” so well, better than anyone else ever has. He promises he’ll leave his wife for you. That sounds great, right? He’s really a victim, after all. If she would only treat him better!!

It may be a slow process that begins with friendship and confiding feelings and emotions that eventually leads to things we never intended.  That’s why we must be so proactive in guarding our hearts and not leaving any opportunities for an illicit relationship to begin! A relationship that begins as an affair has almost no chance for long term success and has almost EVERY chance for long term pain, drama, problems, guilt, shame and regret.

CHARACTERISTICS OF AN ADULTERESS (Proverbs 2, 5)

• She has seductive words for her victim.
• She ignores the covenant she made before God.
• She left her husband (spiritually/emotionally/sexually/physically).
• Her feet lead her victims down to death.
• Her lips drip honey.
• Her speech is smoother than oil.
• In the end she is bitter and deadly.
• She gives no thought to the way of life.
• Her paths are crooked but she doesn’t notice.
• She is dangerous and deadly to men.
• A wise man will not even go near her house or he may be ensnared by her.

OUR WORDS WITH OTHER MEN

Let’s examine our hearts and be sure that WE aren’t using seductive, flirtatious, smooth, very admiring, flattering words with men outside of our marriages. Flirting is not innocent. It can easily lead to affairs, destruction of families and eventually death. If we are enjoying and savoring flirting with other men, we need to confess that as sin and repent, turning toward God and toward our husbands. Let’s commit to flirt only with our own husbands and save our affections and attention only for them!

HOW IS MY “CLEAVING” TO MY HUSBAND? AM I ON HIS TEAM, IN HIS CORNER, WITH HIM, BESIDE HIM PHYSICALLY/EMOTIONALLY/SPIRITUALLY/MENTALLY?

If we have mentally or emotionally or “left” our husbands, or we are not thinking about the long term consequences of our relationships with other men, we need to do some SERIOUS soul searching and seek God’s ways even if they don’t “feel good” right now or even if our marriage doesn’t feel happy. Going outside our marriage won’t make things better. It is possible to rebuild a broken marriage with God’s help and to restore the feelings of love, joy, peace, romance, affection and the spark. But actions must come before feelings! When we do the work, eventually the feelings will return!

HOW TO GUARD OUR HEARTS AGAINST ADULTERY

I think we can look at the advice given to men here and glean quite a bit about how to avoid adultery ourselves as women.

• Avoid spending time near a man who is a possible temptation.
• Make no provision for time alone to talk with guys.
• Don’t be “friends” with men other than your husband, or with a married man if you are single.  By that I mean, don’t email frequently, have deep one-on-one discussions with men, text often, chat online or email with them privately.
• Keep things open and honest with your husband – let him have access to your phone, email, facebook, etc. so that you have accountability.
• Immediately tell your husband if you have misgivings about a relationship you have with a man if possible.  Or tell a wise female friend who can hold you accountable and pray with you.
• Don’t go somewhere alone with other men.  Don’t be in a car alone, in a house or room alone behind closed doors – not even with a pastor.  Don’t think that “more spiritual” men are safe.  It’s easy to admire them and your admiration can be intoxicating and lead to feelings on both sides.  It is SO much easier to prevent an affair by guarding your heart and keeping yourself away from tempting situations than to get into the middle of temptation and then try to figure out how to get out.
• Don’t listen to the smooth words of other men, their flirting, their flattery, their compliments, their advice, their sympathetic ear.  Put a stop to any flirtyconversations and ask the guy to honor your marriage.
• Keep your covenant with God and your husband foremost in your mind and as your priority.  Put your energy into nurturing your relationship with God and your husband.
• Watch where a path goes before you choose it!  Be mindful of the way you choose.  Are you on the narrow path that leads to life, or the broad path that leads to death?

WHEN YOU MUST BE AROUND OTHER MEN

You may have to work with men, socialize with them at church or with extended family – but you must have discretion and wisdom to guard your heart.

• Say positive things about your husband.  Brag about your man.  Be admiring of your husband.
• Don’t show a lot of admiration for other men or for married men if you are single.
• Don’t complain about your husband or go into detail about your personal life or marriage with other men.
• Don’t ask other men a lot of questions about their marriages.
• Don’t be a marriage counselor for other men!!  THIS IS DANGEROUS!
• Be quick to put a stop to any questionable behavior on his part.  It is healthy for your marriage and respectful of your husband to firmly say, “Please don’t talk with me about this.”  “Please, don’t talk to me like that again.”  “Please respect my/our marriage, and don’t speak to me that way.”
• Don’t hesitate to seem “rude” to a man if that relationship is becoming a temptation to him or to you.  Better to be short and even possibly rude if necessary to him than to dishonor God, your husband and your marriage vows.
• If things look at all like they are heading down a dangerous path, RUN AWAY QUICKLY AND DON’T GO BACK!

Everything is permissible for me – but not everything is beneficial.  Everything is permissible for me – but I will not be mastered by anything…

The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body….

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ Himself?  Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute?  NEVER!  Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body?  For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”  But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit.

FLEE FROM SEXUAL IMMORALITY.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.

I Corinthians 6:12-20

Lord,

I pray that You will give us wisdom to guard our hearts, guard our marriages, guard the marriages of others, honor Your Name, honor our husbands, and honor our covenants of marriage.  So many wives and husbands are in deep pain in their marriages.  Open our eyes to the ways You desire us to change to be better wives, to obey You, to find the abundant life You designed for us to experience in marriage.  Help us to become the godly women You desire us to be.  Let us be the wives our husbands need us to be,  the wives our children need to see, and the wives who will bring the most honor and glory to Your Name!

In Christ’s Name,

Amen!

© Peacefulwife for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: adultery, adultress, guarding, temptation, tips

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This morning I awoke to the both the birds and the rain. An instant smile hit my face as I knew spring was creeping slowly through the window with the rays of sunshine. It is very common for the idea of spring to describe new birth, fresh starts and a sense of rejuvenation, but for many women it means the count down is on to one of the biggest days of their lives. Their wedding day.

This day may have been in your minds since you were old enough to comprehend the thought of a white dress, marrying a handsome man and ultimately living the ever after seen in your favourite princess movie. What I have learnt over the past two years of my marriage is that this day was only the start. I had my day planned down to my earrings and barefoot feet but truly, in all honesty, did not prepare much more then the outward celebration that lasted 24 hours. My husband and I had been best friends since we were 15 and I thought that, when we married at 22, I knew who I was, who he was and how the rest of our lives would pan out. Well, as always, the Lord allowed unexpected emergencies, a crippling family crisis and now, just under two years later, a beautiful baby on the way.

This series is really coming from my walk the past two years. I have had such a desire to seek out the role of women in a marriage and in society, but believe my husband and I would have been much better off if I had started before we were married :) Because of that, I am excited to share with you what I have learnt and the lessons I have been taught to hopefully help you prepare your heart and your life for beyond the big day. Yes, your wedding day is a cause for immense celebration and there have been blogs written here about clothing options for brides and bridesmaids, but let’s together take it one more step further.

Let’s delve into your heart, talk about the reality of marriage, the beauty of being the woman in the relationship, but also the responsibility that being a wife holds and what you need to “put on” before you say your “I do’s”.

© HeSingsOverYou for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | 3 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: christian women, marriage, modest, wedding

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It is fascinating to me how much gentle power is inherent in every aspect of femininity.

THE POWER OF FEMININE CLOTHING

Modest, feminine clothing changed the way I felt about myself. There is something about the flowing fabrics, the beautiful colors, the softness and delicacy of feminine clothing that brings out a spirit of femininity in a woman and that brings out a spirit of masculinity in the men around her. I discovered that there is power in dressing like the woman that I am. To be clear, the power I am talking about is the incredible combination of femininity and modesty – femininity without modesty in public is brazen, immodest, overtly sensual, and ungodly.  There is definitely power in dressing femininely and seductively – but that is a power designed by God for a woman to use in the context of marriage alone to build unity in that sacred one-flesh relationship and is an extremely destructive force outside of marriage.  And just plain modesty without femininity can be frumpy, unattractive, unisex or even masculine and a woman loses the magic and attraction of femininity to men around her, including her husband.  The most constructive and influential use of femininity, in my view, is when it is paired gracefully with modesty!  Then there is the power, the allure, the attractiveness, the delicacy and beauty of femininity, but also the fresh breath of innocence, purity, joy and a secret cherishing of the preciousness of sexuality.

Dressing femininely AND modestly makes me feel differently – much softer, more gentle, more peaceful, more beautiful, more confident in myself and more womanly. Other people treat me differently – I have a lot more men holding doors open for me these days than I used to! My husband treats me differently.   He looks at me and smiles, recognizing me as being so wondrously different from himself.  My husband and I (and our children) are reminded continually by my clothing that I am the woman in our marriage, and that literally and figuratively “he wears the pants in the family.”

I used to wear jeans and t-shirts all the time and had cut my hair very short at one point. I didn’t feel like a lady, I didn’t really look much like a lady, I didn’t particularly act like a lady (I was kind of controlling, fearful, anxious and bossy at the time) and didn’t much get treated and cherished like a lady. Feminine clothing gave me a starting point for finding my identity as a woman – it was a joyful discovery for me. I feel like MYSELF now. I am not trying to be something or someone I am not (a man, or masculine - in charge of our marriage and family – that was WAY TOO STRESSFUL!). I understand the joy of femininity. I have now worn skirts or dresses daily for almost 3 years and have grown out my hair and I LOVE it!   So does my husband!  There is such a delicious, peaceful feeling that comes with being in tune with my true nature as a woman and the design God has for me.  How much better now that I am embracing it instead of fighting against it!  The contrast is now set on “high” between masculinity and femininity between our appearances in our marriage and it does make a big difference. I believe that the more I look, act and feel feminine, the more masculine my husband will begin to feel and act – that celebration and awe of the differences between male and female  is a huge key to keeping a spark in marriage.

I am not saying every woman needs to do this. Wearing skirts and having long hair is something I love and enjoy now and it’s a way for me to ensure that I am being modest, but also to remind myself to cherish God’s gift of femininity to me and to remember to maintain a feminine spirit, as well. That is where the REAL power of femininity lies – in the spirit!

Feminine clothing without a feminine spirit looks out of place

What does it mean to have a feminine spirit? I just LOVE this topic! Let’s start out with some things that a feminine spirit is NOT.

A MASCULINE SPIRIT IN A WOMAN DOESN’T WORK IN MARRIAGE OR IN ROMANCE

A woman can wear feminine clothing but still have a masculine outlook on the world and masculine spirit about her – and that is a turn-off to men who might want to be romantically involved with her (ie: her husband). A woman whose demeanor, words, actions and attitudes shout, “I’m independent!” “I can take care of myself!” “I don’t need anyone’s help!” will communicate to men that they are wasting their time trying to be romantic with her. She has it covered and there is nothing a man can offer her that she can’t do for herself. So he won’t try. If she’s not married, but she communicates this strong, powerful, take-charge persona – men will see her and think there is no point in attempting a romantic relationship with her. She is also likely to pursue men and turn them off by her pursuit. Men are designed to pursue women that seem to be highly valuable to them. Men generally don’t like being pursued by women. If she is married, her husband will likely give up trying to lead or serve her because her dominant spirit repels him and makes her practically impossible to adore and cherish. He will likely not even attempt to lead the family because she is determined to be in control and most men have too much dignity and honor than to try to wrestle control away from an argumentative, contentious woman. Plus, they have enough wisdom to know that a woman can’t be forced to follow her husband. She must willingly cooperate. That is her call to make, her gift to give – and her man will adore her for giving this precious gift freely.

Masculinity often carries a “take charge,” powerful, strong, bold, to-the-point, no-nonsense, get-the-job-done, I’m the boss, this-is-strictly-business kind of attitude. When a woman assumes masculine qualities in her spirit, she can often succeed amazingly in school and business and be a go-getter and compete with the guys. That can work well in business – but at home, a husband doesn’t want competition or a power struggle with the woman he loves.

Home is for love, passion, tenderness and romance, not cut-throat competition!

At home, a husband has a powerful God-given drive to be the authority in the marriage and family. God gave husbands the role of managing and leading their homes and a wife will not be blessed by God if she tries to take authority God gave to her husband (Genesis 3:16 and Ephesians 5:-22-33). This is NOT a popular or PC idea in America in 2012. But when a wife tries to assume leadership, she is going directly against God’s plan and design for marriage, and usually her husband (feeling legitimately disrespected, threatened and challenged as the authority in the home) will either become angry or will withdraw and unplug from the marriage and let her run things while he is almost completely uninvolved since she is determined to usurp his leadership.

BEING ARGUMENTATIVE, CONTROLLING, or DOMINATING IS UNFEMININE

A harsh and controlling wife is NOT exhibiting a godly, feminine spirit – and even worse, she will “malign the word of God” by taking over the marriage and failing to display God’s design in marriage (Titus 2:2-5) – she can cause her marriage to repel people from the gospel of Christ by her disrespect and refusal to follow her husband! She also disqualifies her husband from Christian leadership by her ungodly behavior and lack of respect. A wife’s influence is powerful over a husband, so only husbands who manage their homes and have godly-acting wives are to be leaders! (I Timothy 3:1-13)

This is HEAVY stuff that goes way past a couple’s marriage and interferes with the kingdom of God.  Marriage is carefully designed by God to represent the “mystery of Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:22-33).  The husband represents Christ’s sacrificial love, leadership, protection and provision to His beloved – and the wife represents the love, adoration and willing submission of the Body of Christ to Christ.  Of course, we are all imperfect people, and the living parable has limitations because of our sin.  But marriage is to be a living and continual illustration to each husband and wife, to their children and to all who see them of the oneness between Christ and His people – this illustration works across cultures and religious faiths.  God made marriage to work in this one way, just like He designed gravity and physics.  There are laws about marriage, masculinity and femininity that we cannot change.  How much better things work when we embrace the design of the Creator!  We need to be very careful how we handle this concept and we may need to trash everything we have learned from our culture and ask God to show us His ways in Scripture.

A controlling, tyrannical wife comes across to her husband as full of contempt and disrespect for who he is as a man.  This behavior dishonors God, her husband, the Bible and herself. It also repels God, her husband and everyone else in her life! No one can snuggle up to a controlling, contentious, argumentative, “I’m always right” kind of woman. Sinful pride is very prickly and painful to those around us and creates a lonely, stressful, overwhelming life for a wife who clings to it.

There is no faster way to repel a man’s desire for a woman than for her to treat him as if he is inferior to her, inept, incompetent and stupid. A wife with a critical, prideful, “I know better than you,” nagging, controlling, angry spirit will destroy her marriage with her own hands – and words!!

NEGATIVITY AND WORRY/ANXIETY/FEAR ARE NOT PART OF A GODLY FEMININE SPIRIT

It is easy for us as women to fill our minds with criticisms of our men, to constantly meditate on their flaws, to see their faults clearly, to want to change them, to correct them, to lecture them and to think we are “helping” them by our efforts. I think a lot of times we treat ourselves this way. We tend to be perfectionistic sometimes, expecting so much of ourselves and not very forgiving of ourselves. It’s easy to treat our men the same way and think that if they would just change, everything would be great. Obsessing over our husbands weaknesses, faults and sins and talking about what they do wrong does NOT motivate our husbands to want to snuggle up to us and adore us. It makes them resent us and feel like they are living with their angry mother. It makes them want to rebel against us, or at least, not be home very often when we are critical and negative a lot. We start thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong and spiraling downward in fear. It’s EASY and HUMAN to do this. But our obsessive worry and negativity make our husbands feel tortured and can even make them feel like they are drowning emotionally/spiritually when they are around us. When we see the worst in our husbands, they will often meet our expectations.  Men depend on their wives to reflect back to them what kind of men they are.  When a man looks into his wife’s eyes and sees condemnation, distrust, anger, resentment, disrespect and hatred – he feels completely defeated.  He may give up entirely on himself, his marriage, his parenting and even his life if his wife holds him in low esteem.

OUR MEN MUST SEE OUR FAITH IN THEM.  FAITH AND TRUST ARE A HUGE PART OF A FEMININE SPIRIT

Just like “Without faith, it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” Hebrews 11:6 – without faith in our men, we can’t have intimacy with them.  They MUST see that we trust them, that we see the good in them.  Our husbands have to be able to look into our eyes and see that we are lit up with hope, faith, belief and admiration in them as men!  The must see and hear that our focus is on how wonderful they are.  “The Lord inhabits the praises of His people.”  Psalm 22:3, a husband inhabits the praises of his wife! It is our trust and faith that motivate our men to move mountains and become heroes!  This is the only way a wife can change her husband - her look of adoration, her genuine faith in him, her total confidence in his abilities.  A man would do practically anything in his power to please a wife who really believes in him!  There is no better feeling in the world for a guy than to know his wife puts all her faith in him to protect her, provide for her and lead her.  This is the stuff that creates legendary men!

MARRIAGE IS A PICTURE OF CHRIST AND HIS BODY OF BELIEVERS

There are so many incredible parallels here!  The more I understand my relationship with my husband, the more I appreciate my relationship with God!  And the more I understand my relationship with God, the more I appreciate the relationship with my husband!

Husbands are not deity – by any means, they are sinful people, just like wives are.  But  they are intended by God Himself to represent a picture of Christ’s love for the people He desires to be His own.  Husbands represent the patience, forgiveness, wisdom, provision, leadership, tenderness, rock-solid strength, power, unchangeable character and jealousy of Christ in His relationship with us. Jealousy may seem out of place on that list, but our affections, committment and loyalty in marriage are to be only for our spouse – just like spiritually, we only worship Christ… no one and nothing can come before Him in our hearts or He sees us as being unfaithful to Him. He is always faithful to us as His people. Sexual and emotional faithfulness in marriage is a picture of the spiritual faithfulness God desires us to have with Him. Wives represent the admiration, respect, awe, willingness to follow, faith, trust, joy and peace that are found in a close relationship with Christ.  This is where we find the origins for the spirit of femininity!  Marriage shows us how intimately Jesus wants to know us.  In marriage we are one-flesh.  Jesus Christ longs to be one spirit with us.  The picture is stunning… the God and Creator of the universe loves us so deeply that He was willing to put on human flesh, live among us and die for us in order that we might be able to live with Him in heaven forever  – if we accept His gift of salvation and forgiveness.  This is the ultimate perfect Hero coming to the rescue of the maiden in distress, who cannot rescue herself.  Her sins have separated her from a holy and just God and she is destined to be separated from Him forever.  But God is also the author of love, and He couldn’t bear being without the one He loved, and gave up His own life to ransom hers.  Now He plans to share His life in heaven with her forever.  All who love, respect, follow and worship Christ as Lord will share in the marriage supper together in heaven.  A true happily ever after for those who put their faith in Him!

THE BEGINNING OF A FEMININE SPIRIT IN MARRIAGE

At home, a husband wants a wife he can cherish, romance, lead, delight, adore, protect and provide for.  The Bible says that a feminine spirit of beauty “should not come from outward adornment… instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet (peaceful) spirit which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful, they were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham… You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” (I Peter 3:3-6)

FEMININITY MEANS WILLINGLY, CHEERFULLY YIELDING CONTROL, BEING ACCEPTING,  TRUSTING, SHOWING ADMIRATION, AND LIVING IN A PEACEFUL, JOYFUL SPIRIT

The beginning of this same chapter (along with the Ephesians 5:22-33 passage) also gives me a HUGE source of my power as a woman in my marriage – submitting to my own husband (joyfully encouraging and empowering his leadership in my marriage and my home and refraining from trying to take over and be in charge myself) and giving my genuine respect to him. My willing cooperation with my husband’s leadership in our marriage is beautiful and powerful! I add my power to his own to build up his authority and leadership and think of us as a team, a unit of one. I don’t try to undermine him or destroy his leadership.  I don’t try to take over and be in control myself, pushing him out of the way.  I am positive, encouraging and pleasant to be around. I use my words to build up, not to destroy my man. I live by faith in God and my husband and don’t cave in to worry or fear very often.

A godly, feminine attitude is “I have great ideas as a wife, and I have a valuable perspective that my husband deserves and needs to hear, and my husband also has great ideas. God has given my husband wisdom and a perspective that He hasn’t given to me. I’m so thankful that God gave my husband to lead, protect and provide for me. I can trust my husband and trust God to lead me through my husband.” (I am talking about marriages where there is not physical abuse, untreated serious mental disorders, active addictions or infidelity going on – if you are in a situation like this, you need godly help ASAP!)

GODLY FEMININITY INSPIRES GREATNESS IN OUR MEN!

My total trust in my husband makes him take his job much more seriously and makes me all the more gorgeous in my husband’s eyes. He doesn’t want to disappoint my great hopes in him! When he sees my faith, he is motivated to do better than he ever has in his life. In fact, seeing my beautiful, feminine faith in him triggers the sense of duty and honor in my man that make him desire to fiercely protect me and fight for me, provide for me, cherish me, adore me and take care of me. When he feels honored as a man by me, he wants to serve me in response. This is a WIN/WIN! He wants to make me happy when he knows his leadership position is not challenged and even better, is supported by his wife. Seeing my peace gives him confidence. Seeing my smile and look of adoration motivate him mightily! My joy brings him delight. My genuine respect and admiration are powerful, yet gentle, forces that God will use to shape my husband into a better leader and more godly man! WOW! THAT IS THE REAL POWER OF FEMININITY!

© Peacefulwife for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: authority, feminine spirit, femininity, godly femininity, power of femininity, submission

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Men used to have to pay money just to see knees and thighs.  Now, they can see just about whatever they want to – or don’t want to - every day all day long in the media and out in public, even at the grocery store.

Young women learn that showing a lot of skin is sexy- and that to be beautiful and popular, they have to dress to be as sexy as possible.  This is even affecting very young girls now in middle school and elementary school – which is absolutely terrifying to me as a mom and as a woman.

Many girls think they are just being fashionable or cute.  They are completely unaware of how guys think and what they do with what they see.  They do not understand that the more skin a girl shows and the more of her female form she reveals, the more guys and men will willingly or unwillingly imagine having sex with her.  Most girls would be SHOCKED if they knew the thoughts their clothing choices were causing men to have about them.

And then there is the opposite problem in our culture, too.  Married women – who by God’s beautiful design for sex inside marriage should be giving their husbands plenty of opportunities to see their beautiful feminine bodies – are largely dressing too modestly in their own bedrooms with their husbands.  Many married women wear sweats and flannel pjs – which is fine sometimes, but our husbands are visual and I want to see us embrace the way God designed them to be.  That is going to require that we give them plenty of times to see us scantily clad and yes, naked.  Otherwise we are sending our husbands out into a sexually over-saturated culture where they are continually bombarded by sensual images of other women with no ammo or backup from their marriages to help keep them pure.  We have a HUGE amount of power as wives in this area to either build up our husbands and help them in their battle or to leave them dangerously alone in a world of immense temptations without any assistance.

I want to see wives making sure that their husbands have plenty of sensual images of their wives to think about as men must struggle daily against the temptation of lust.  I want us to be sure we are ministering to our husbands sexually to give them the best situation possible when they must face the world each day alone and minimize perhaps their greatest vulnerability- sexual temptation.

I do understand that when it’s cold, it’s hard to get excited about wearing almost nothing.  But maybe turning up the thermostat for 30 minutes or so could be worth it to our husbands – or a nice hot bath or shower can be a great way to accomplish our goals without freezing to death!  I also greatly appreciate that moms do need to be careful to be modest around their children- especially their sons.  That’s what robes are for!  But husbands deserve and need (more than most wives can really appreicate) many opportunities to see their wives being sexy, beautiful, feminine and alluring just for them.  That means having a light on sometimes, even!

As Gary Thomas says in Sacred Influence – “sex is the glue that holds marriage together”.   The more I understand how God designed men, the more I see that God designed each one to savor looking at his wife’s body.  I would like to encourage married women to  be willing to give up the excuses of too much fat, too much cellulite, too many stretch marks, too many wrinkles and give their husbands the gift of seeing and savoring their wife’s body.

So before marriage and outside of marriage…

• Modesty is a gift to the men around us and keeps them from struggling with powerful visual sexual temptation.
• Modesty protects women from unwanted sexual advances and reveals a lot about her character from a man’s perspective.
• Modesty is a gorgeous neon sign to some really amazing, godly guys that a girl deeply values herself,  has great treasures in her soul and that she cherishes the riches of sexuality and femininity that God gave her.

But inside marriage…

• A woman’s modesty needs to give way to a celebration of God’s design for the one flesh relationship and a selfless giving of herself to the delight of her husband.
• Intimacy in marriage is the only place there can be a fulfilling, holy, beautiful sexual relationship with zero guilt and zero remorse.
• God designed the sexual relationship in marriage to be exhilarating, beautiful, passionate, safe, wholesome,  and better than anything the world could ever offer!

I’d love to see us turn the tables back to modesty in public and before marriage and sexiness in marriage.  We could avoid so much pain and misery and experience so much joy, peace and blessings of God if we would get these two areas straightened out.

I pray for each of you to find the amazing life God has planned for you and all of the blessings that come from doing things by His design and in His timing.

© Peacefulwife for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: godly marriage, married, modesty, purity, save body for marriage

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I remember a few years before my boys were ready to go to prom that as a Christian mom I started looking at prom dresses… and was I ever surprised! I told my friends that I would tell a young lady to go put some clothes on if she dressed so immodest – well, I was only able to tell one or two friends to be honest.

Most parents didn’t think the way I did.

It was like they couldn’t see what I could see. And therefore they let their daughters do what I could never. They approvingly giggle like a high school girl allowing them buy a dress for several hundred dollars that was baring so much skin: low cut necklines, backless, accentuating bust-lines, clinging to womanly curves, cut-out sections to show more flesh, high slits skirts, strapless shoulders, and everything other possible design that shouted, “Look at me! I am sexy.”

But what puzzled me the most on prom nights was not the teen standing in a slinky dress with a low cut front and bare back but her father proudly standing with his arms around his daughter posing for a picture. As the dad felt his daughter’s flesh didn’t it cross his mind that a young man would be holding his daughter and touching her body in places that were intimate? If parents are clueless, how can we expect our teens to have any sense of modesty?

I have seen moms show off their daughter’s prom dresses and squeal with glee when they turn the strapless dress around pointing out that only strings are crisscrossed in the V-shaped back opening. What are they thinking?

More importantly,

What kind of statement are you making in your prom dress?

Look closely at your dress. What does it say? Does it speak to virtues you admire and claim to believe? or Does it tell a different story? Could it cause a date to lust? Is sexual desire what you want your date thinking about all night? I thought you wanted a guy to care about you for who you are on the inside. At least, that is what most Christian teenage girls say in public especially when youth leaders and adults are around.

Often prom dresses should be called “High School Temptation” dresses or “Tease-Your-Date” dresses!

Do you think a girl can only be beautiful if she reveals more of her body? …if she looks alluring? …if she causes males to desire her, to want her? Oh, no, not me. I didn’t think about it that way. I didn’t know. To be honest, I never really gave that much thought.

All too often a girl wants a guy to notice her, to speak to her, to tell her that she is lovely or (to be precise) that she is loved. Most girls will say they don’t really want to be loved for their body. And that they don’t want to be thought of as a sex object! But, what do their choice and actions say?

And sadly, what is true in many teenage girls’ hearts is that they so longs to be wanted that they are willing to do what it takes to get a boyfriend. Only these kind of “boyfriends” are not really the kind they want, but they settle because their desire to be ‘wanted’ or ‘loved’ is so strong. This is a result of hurt. And truly it breaks my heart. Many teens have suffered because of absent fathers, divorce,  sexual abuse, ridicule/bullying and so many other painful past experiences that have told themselves that no one really loves them.

Sweet Daughter of the King, don’t believe this lie!

Let me remind you of a truth: GOD loves YOU! Don’t toss that away as a silly child’s nursery song. Jesus really does love you! He sacrificed his life for you and died for your sins so that you would not be trapped in bad relationships and bad choices. The grace and love of Jesus has the power to set you free from sin and to fill you with love – real lasting love. And He wants you!

So don’t believe the lie that you must dress to attract a guy or to keep him interested in you. Let God bring the young man that will love you properly and godly … and don’t be ashamed to go to a prom with a friend in a modest dress. You might be amazed how much fun you can have without compromising yourself and the values you deep inside want to believe are true.

© lindyabbott for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: dress, prom, skin

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A common argument against the wearing of modest apparel is that it is nothing better than those that sell sexy clothing—both groups are objectifying women:

And, furthermore, this stupid idea that “modest is hottest” has come out. It’s preached repeatedly that women should dress modestly, but this is still sexualizing and objectifying women’s bodies. Each time I’m admonished to dress modestly out of concern for my Christian brothers and their purity, I’m being taught that I should expect to be objectified, that my body is something I ought to be ashamed of. The fact is that whether you are saying that a girl is hot because her entire chest is hanging out or that she is hot because she is covered up, you are still praising her for her body. This is objectification. I just for once want to hear that modesty is an issue of self-respect and not just out of “protecting my brothers in Christ.”  [Girls Aren’t Funny, Feminism, and Human Trafficking: Words I Think Need Said]

If it were not for the fact that men were attracted to women’s bodies we would not have a problem with modest clothing.  I’m reminded of this fact every time I go to my children’s swim class.  The boys wear long shorts and sometimes shirts/rash guards.  The girls wear form fitting suits or two-pieces.  At that age, there’s little visible difference between to two sexes, and yet the two are trained from even this young age that girls show more of their form when swimming than boys.

Objectification Begins

I’m not sure when objectification really starts, but what I am sure of is that it is a two way street.  What I mean by this is that men do objectify women, but women permit this activity—and I would say they even encourage it.

Just look at who the female roll models are for little girls growing up—who do the little girls want to be?

• They want to be the cheerleader, the girl getting attention in her short skirt doing all kinds of acrobatics.
• They want to be the “class queen” that gets all the attention of the boys.
• They want to be a supermodel or actress, and live a glamorous lives they see depicted on television.

We do not (usually) see them dreaming about being a stay at home mom with 4 kids in tow running to the supermarket in a mini-van because they just ran out of milk and the youngest is crying up a storm.  They are the princesses, not the servant girls.

The Realization of the Power of the Female Form

It does not take long for young girls to realize that the pretty girls are the ones that get attention—and the prettier they are, the more skin they show, and the more they flirt the more attention they get.  It’s a drug, a vicious cycle, and the problem is that this need for attention (and receiving it from a source that is improper) is feeding men’s objectification and taking it to new levels.

As women show more, flirt more, and are more receptive to the depravity of man, it takes more to attract man’s attention.  The fact that men can now see and be exposed to the female form in all states of undress and immorality for free from the privacy of their own home has done nothing but hurt women in many ways.

So, what does modesty try to do?  The modesty movement, “Modest is hottest” and the like, attempts to return women to a sense of control by stopping the cycle.  By unveiling what is happening in men’s minds, the hope is that women will see it and be repulsed and turn away—desiring attention from appropriate sources instead of getting it through “primal urges”.

And yet I can see where this appears objectifying in and of itself—it states that there is power in the female form over a man’s mind.  Does anyone really dispute this?  Even in Song of Solomon (long before the Internet), the wife of Solomon was rejoicing in her physical features and that hers were better than those of her sister.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

So, let’s recognize the problem, and whether you dress modestly because you want to stop men from lusting after you (objectifying men to some degree, it could be argued) or out of self respect, let us all agree that this has gone too far and start to try to walk this back—if it still is possible.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2012. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: modesty, objectification

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When I have no time to plan out a sweet outfit I immediately turn to my jeans and t-shirts. They are a comfort clothing to me and I always feel confident in a comfortable pair of jeans. My problem, and I’m sure yours’ also, comes with the low rise jeans and the waist length t-shirts. I have found that my t-shirts tend to hit right at my jean waist line meaning that any slight movement reveals midriff galore. You may disagree but the lower back and midriff are quite  sensual areas, hence lower back tattoos and belly baring tees. With this being so, these are areas I desire to keep covered and some of the latest fashions are not helping. Therefore let’s chat about a few strategies to help overcome the challenges of t-shirt shopping!

I know that lately the long-shirt/tunic look is in style and therefore available for purchase at local stores. Unfortunately, these only tend to work with skinny jeans or jeggings and sometimes I am not in the mood to be constricted down to my ankles. If you do not mind throwing on a pair of straight legged jeans then these tunic styled shirts are a go for you! No back, no belly, all style!

If you are looking for a shorter option then I recommend…tank tops.. These should be a longer and tighter fitting tank which fit comfortably under your current t-shirt without adding bulk. You can buy them in a variety of colours to match that day’s tee, if all else fails throw on a white one underneath and once again you’re covered, literally! I always buy my tank tops from Garage as they are awesome lengths, come in tons of colours and are tight fitting which is important to minimize wrinkles under you shirt.

So wear that sick graphic band tee knowing that one bend isn’t going to reveal any midriff or muffin top. Or if you need a less casual look to layer under a dressier top then find a tank without vertical ribbing. This ribbing tends to look more sports/casual wear which works for your t-shirts but not so much for blouses.
Don’t by pass the fashion or comfort stop, grab a tank and you’ve just added a few more inches to your shirt length! A great test I have always used (since elementary school when it was part of the dress code) is to:

1. Raise those hands in the air! Reach right up, are you showing skin?

2. Now bend down and TRY to touch your toes (please don’t pull a muscle), is your lower back showing?

3. Be honest with yourself now :)

Enjoy! And remember, modesty is a concern of the heart but design is a gift from our creative God. So search your heart when you find yourself desiring something that sways to the immodest side and have a blast styling your tees and tanks!

© HeSingsOverYou for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Christian woman, layering, t-shirts

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As most of you have already noticed, being a modesty blogger, I don’t really talk much about the problems I see everywhere with sexuality as much as I talk about what inspires me in my clothing. If you highly doubt that I am not aware of these problems, because I have built my entire blog around sexual purity in clothing, then you are correct. I have all my writings on my philosophy grouped in a section of my blog, and I only bring it up once in a while. There is so much going on with promiscuity all over the world that if I blogged about everything that bothered me, it would just be very depressing and very negative. I’m so aware of these things all around me that I honestly rarely read anything that talks about modesty for modesty’s sake, but instead I choose to ponder on things that give me inspiration such as the beauty that I find in untapped resources in music and in film. There really is nothing wrong with reading about the dangers of carelessness in clothing as it relates to lust and self preservation, especially if you are still unsure about the decision, want to be encouraged, or want to teach others about it. Although, I am at a point where my senses have been so incredibly heightened to the specific problem of sexual impurity all around me, that I believe it is not doing me much good to dwell on the problems themselves. The good thing that resulted from my sensitivity to this matter is that this blog was created and has hopefully inspired many to pursue a more attractive presentation of modesty to others who might not understand. In my personal life, this sensitivity has caused me unnecessary pain, but it has thankfully allowed me to be a vessel of some sort to shed light on this issue. In all honesty, often times I wish that I weren’t so sensitive to my concerns. It has been both a blessing and a curse to feel so strongly against impurity.

Despite my saying of avoiding negative talk, I am going to, at least for this post, address some things that have been on my mind lately and present the following in a more constructive manner to the best of my abilities:

• Commercials that should cause commotion – If you have not seen the latest Tide with Acti-Lift Detergent “Too Short” commercial, you may view it on YouTube. While searching for the video link, I also stumbled upon an ethics site that discussed whether the message was or not ethical in nature—to which most concluded that the  commercial was nothing too unethical to note. Although not at all pornographic, the subtle message of this commercial screams “Dad, you’re an old fart who can’t appreciate my choice to wear mini skirts. Mom, you’re the best for trying to side with me!” To the pro-choice feminist, this commercial is to be raved about. It celebrates putting down the actions of the male head of the house, the father. It rejoices in the individual expression of the tween to wear whatever she likes, with the other female (the mother) supporting her. To the true “feminist” supporting femininity and modesty, this commercial does just the opposite in her viewpoint. Although I have to admit I never enjoyed when one of my parents (especially both) told me what I couldn’t wear, I do see now that some of the choices I made back then weren’t very wise. I can still argue that some of the things they didn’t want me to put on were probably just a matter of distaste in preference over morality. The immoral side of my wardrobe then, though, I do agree was just a stumbling block to my self-dignity as well as to the minds of the men around me. As for my preference for wearing some conspicuous pieces for my safe self-expression, I would still wear the majority to do this day with no bones about it. As subtle as the Tide commercial is, it is still harmful for young girls to garner the wrong strength from this misleading advertisement. Even though I must say there are much more blatant commercials out there with visual sexual content in them, that still doesn’t make this commercial okay.
• Strategically placing enticing content – Although I have not confirmed this, my friend Imon pointed out to me that Victoria’s Secret’s stores are always placed in the first floor of malls where all the men or unisex stores are placed. Why not place the lingerie store where all the women’s clothes are? I can only assume that it was strategically placed where it is now to be seen by men in hopes of buying stuff for their women while looking at other women’s boobs. A very similar commercial strategy is used to entice grocery shoppers to buy the last minute useless magazines, junk, and batteries displayed next to the counter—stuff that would otherwise be forgotten if they weren’t there. I think displaying candy and beef jerky where they are visible is okay, but displaying  eye candy of almost naked bodies and beefy jerks isn’t. Also, can the commercial cops at least (if it cannot be eradicated) please have the unavoidable TV commercials, street ads, and magazine covers be grouped in the mature-only section where they are harder to access and cannot be freely seen by avoiding eyes including faithful men and innocent children? If you are interested in reading about what I wrote about magazines, you may view it in my post, “Are You a Cosmo Girl or a Kosmios Girl?“
• Changes in movie ratings over time – For some of you who may not know, the rating PG13 was a recent addition to the movie rating categories. It enabled the display of nudity in a non-sexual context. Tell me, if a bodacious woman were to stand still in the middle of the room without doing anything in front of a thirteen-year-old boy in all his raging hormones, would that kid not be sexually enticed? I still believe that nudity, partial or full, should effect an R rating in any movie. I am glad though that the ratings have been much improved throughout the years. Movies such as  Clash of the Titans (1981) and Sixteen Candles (1984)  had full frontal female nudity and were only rated PG. Chaplin (1992), as an example of a loose PG13 rating, had constant full frontal female nudity as well. While the ratings have been improved throughout movie-rating evolution, what is okay to display as far as sexuality has become much looser. The movies I have listed here and many others that have sexual content in them are still awesome movies in my opinion, but I think they did not need all that sexuality in them. Great directors and stories should speak for themselves without having to use sex to sell.
• Unrealistic women’s combat and winter outfits (and bodies)- You see women dressed in bikinis or scant clothing in action movies and games, but is this picture realistic? Wouldn’t these women not want to be bruised and scraped easily by covering it up with some kind of metal instead of exposing their skin? One of the very few women in video games who actually wears full armor, although not entirely fool proof as some of you Metroid gamers might know, is Samus from Metroid. I don’t know about you, but I love my skin too much to want to see it scabbed when I can just cover it up with more clothing easily. One of the reasons I did not learn how to bike properly as a kid (but was good at swimming and enjoyed hiking) was because I told myself that I would rather drown swimming than see my legs and arms have scabs from possibly falling off a bike. Although that was just a completely silly notion, it does make sense for someone to want to have her body safe during physical activities. This same annoyance comes to me when women dress like it’s summertime in the cold. I for one was known to dress like that in high school, but now I admit, that was just stupid. As for female animation characters with size E (for enlarged) chests and long Jack Skellington legs, haven’t we already expressed our childhood disappointments with Barbie’s unattainable and abnormal body? It’s not realistic. Men can work out to grow muscles, but what does this depiction encourage women to do—get cosmetic surgery?
• “Safe” web browsing isn’t really safe- Even with internet filter software or even just Web site–built filters, surfing on the Web is never safe, especially for sexual content. I advise you to tell men who want to fight for purity not to use Google images to search for pictures of anything. A search for the most innocent thing you have in mind will almost always have an unrelated image(s) of naked bodies. If guys need to look up images, use another search engine to do this or just use the regular search box (not images) to look for them. Youtube also has unrelated videos show up with obscene thumbnails with your currently viewed video, but what to do about it is unbeknownst to me, because Youtube is the happenin’ place to view Internet videos. I would suggest having the males view Youtube with someone else to decrease temptation. For everyone else, Youtube, I must vouch, can be a total time-waster if you just stay there without a goal of what you want to see in mind.
• Restrictions aren’t only for children- Although my husband and I are customers of the wonderful ClearPlay technology that can be set to skip questionable scenes in movies through its customizable filters, the way the Web site or even the staff present itself—at least as it seemed from my correspondence with an employee—implied that the restriction it has created through the use of this video player was for parents who have children. My husband and I—although we’re planning to have children—and our couple friends who recommended us the player do not have little ones, and we need it for ourselves. The product is clearly being used by us married couples to help keep our minds pure and focused on developing and expressing sexuality only to our mates. Obviously, avoiding movies isn’t the answer to outer-marital lust, but it does help somewhat not to have those uncalled for sexy images lingering in our heads. Even with that said, I wouldn’t just say that ClearPlay and all the other filters out there are for families and married couples. I believe that restrictions should be placed on everyone wanting to lead a pure thought life. Single men especially are as prone if not more prone to impurity in their thought life as married men (or even single or married women).

These are just some of the things that have been on my mind lately, and some of them are so important not to ignore that I might just write a separate post about them. I kept these in bullet form to give you just a quick glance at some of the problems with sexuality that need to be worked on. Restriction and boundaries are absolutely necessary in my opinion for a human’s well-being. Some I’m sure will argue that curtailing certain things for ourselves doesn’t give us a good picture of the world, but that is not considering how some things actually harm us. From a scientific and societal view point, isn’t that where what we call evolution brought us—removing things that cause us harm to build a better self? We can but shouldn’t engage in everything. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 10:23 says that everything is permissible, yes, but not everything is beneficial to us. I can relate the problem of sexuality to the problem of obesity through this passage. It just makes sense.

This post has been rated R for ranting, and it has ended. For now.

———————–

This post was originally from à la Modest by Rachel Dahl. You can go directly to her website or Facebook for more posts on modesty.

© Rachel @ alamodest.com for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | 18 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: censorship, Christian, clearplay, commercials, films, filters, games, magazines, mall, malls, modest, modesty, movies, music, pg 13, pg13, rated r, tv, Victoria's Secret

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I’ve always had trouble with 1 Corinthians 11.  No, not the part about Communion—it seems that I’ve heard that passage read many times throughout my life.  It’s the first part that’s the problem.

But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.  Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head, but every wife who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head, since it is the same as if her head were shaven.

- 1 Corinthians 11:3-5

This passage proves to be a sticky one with different denominations, different pastors and different Christians all believing and practicing different things.

The main question that I always have and I always avoid is “Should women wear a hat in a worship service, all the time, or is this totally a cultural thing we can choose to no longer practice?”

And up until last week, I had been content with the status quo and allowed myself to believe that this passage didn’t really matter.  That was, until I read a detailed article that went through the different arguments made for the different points of view and then presented a result.

So, since this site is about modesty, and modesty and head coverings do seem to overlap from time to time, I thought I’d present some of what I’ve learned through this process—some of the good arguments and bad ones as well as head covering and modesty—and see if this doesn’t stir up your interest in the topic.

Perhaps you’ll find yourself agreeing with all that you already believe, or  you may find yourself thinking through something you’ve never considered.  All I ask is that you approach this series with an open mind and open hearts and that, if you’re a believer, that you trust the Holy Spirit and follow whichever direction He leads.

Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to read and pray through 1 Corinthians 11:1-15 a few times.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2011. | Permalink | 31 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: hair, hats, head covering

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Last time we looked at the idea that some have that modesty is totally a guy’s problem, and what we found out is that, though this seems reasonable on the exterior, once we dig a little below the surface we find that though men may be attracted to immodest forms, the reality is that immodesty, and the attention that is generated from immodesty, tends to actually hurt women more than men. 

Women like the attention that immodesty brings, they like the effect that their form has on men, and they do not think through the fact that beauty does not last—so they spend money and time trying to continue to keep what they had, because they have allowed what they are—women, with a female form—to define who they are.

Therein lies the power of modesty.

There Are Many Girls on the Girl Tree

After a breakup in a dating relationship, one of the things that the friend of the person suffering most from the breakup will say is something along the lines of “there are other fish in the sea,” or the quote above.  What they are trying to say is that, though while you were focused on that one girl, and you thought that she’d be the only one that you could ever love or that could ever love you, the reality is that there are many other ones out there.

This is the sad state for those that would focus their lives on how they look and appealing to others via the flesh.

There will always be someone that is more attractive to you, that’s willing to go further than you, that will do things that you wouldn’t do.  And at each of these circumstances, you’re left with a choice—do I show that extra spot of flesh, do I compromise my thoughts, do I go further than what I want to do.  You don’t need me to tell you what happens next.

How many of you know someone that has decided that they need to do something they hadn’t wanted to in order to keep a boyfriend?  How about those people that show just a little bit more each time they login because if they don’t they’ll lose traffic to their site?

Modesty Forces Them To See You For Who You Are

That’s one of the ways that modesty is so powerful.  You see, when you are planted firmly in modesty, it’s empowering because instead of that boy dictating what you should wear to be attractive, you make him come to you and see you for who you are.  You’re appealing because they have to see your personality.  When they enter into a relationship with you, it’s not because you’ll do whatever and show whatever, but because they are actually into you.

Modesty lets you be free to be who you are.  It allows you to put a better value on yourself than those that are set by those around you.

I mean, why should some website tell you whether you’re “hot or not”?  Why should some random group of strangers determine your worth?

Modesty is empowering for this very reason—it’s not that you dress frumpy.  You can be stylish, you can enjoy all the creativity of all sorts of clothing, but you aren’t trapped into trying to outdo the other girls, or trying to show off your assets.

Once you realize and compare the options, is there really a reason to choose what the culture (which is trying to sell cheap material for as much as they can get out of you) has to offer over determining your worth yourself?

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 25 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: modesty, power

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I don’t see why I have to worry about modesty.  Since it’s guys that have the problem, they just need to learn self control.  I certainly don’t have a problem.

And on the face of it, there seems to be a good bit of logic behind this argument.  I mean, there are few articles or statements regarding modesty.  You don’t find as much apparel geared to wooing the woman… and therein lies an interesting point indeed.

The Clothing Options Tell The Story

If you were to do a survey of your local mall, how many of those shops are dedicated entirely toward women’s clothing?  How about a majority toward women’s clothing?

Now, of the stores that are dedicated to women’s clothing, how many of those stores are dedicated to women’s undergarments?  How many toward dresses or modest clothing?

If you look at the current culture, a majority of the clothing is focused on showing off the female body, either partially or as much as possible.

But Why?

Consider the Advertisements

When they wanted to come up with something to attract guys attention away from the Super Bowl—one of the most watched sporting events by males—what did they come up with besides the commercials?  The lingerie bowl.  Why?  Because they knew that they could get men to switch channels to watch women play the game in their underwear.

When Victoria’s Not-So-Secret sends out catalogues to the homes that include air brushed models, who are they trying to get?  I’ll give you a hint, it’s not just the women.  In fact, part of their business model was/is to build stores that men would not feel out of place in.

It turns out that the women we mention in the beginning are the only ones that really believe that men should control what they see.  In every other venue, they’re either counting on the fact that they will not, or hoping that they will not.

If They Were to Tell the Truth…

There are very few people, I believe, that do not want attention.  Wearing revealing or flirtatious attire definitely gets one form of attention.  I mean, just look at any of the social websites (Facebook, Flickr, Chatroulette, WebCams, etc.) and what you’ll find is that each of these have young “ladies” that are showing themselves off in exchange for attention.

What they are really saying is that they don’t want specific male attention.  Good attention is when the “hot” guy is looking at you.  Bad is when the “nerd” is looking at you.  And since they believe they’ll get the “hot” guy’s attention, how dare you judge them.

The Consequences

What happens, though, is that they begin to wrap up their self worth and begin to define themselves by the looks that they get.  If they no longer got those looks, the thinking goes, then they would not be worth anything.  And no one likes to feel worthless.

What has happened is that they’ve begun to sell themselves short.  They’ve exchanged who they are for what they are.  They now see themselves as just a girl with natural feminine features—many of which they have no control over (or they try to exert control over via surgery or dangerous habits.

And that is truly the saddest part of this—that women will go to such great lengths to preserve the attention that they are getting and many have ended up in such terrible straights, when the solution was always so close at hand.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 15 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: guys, modesty, problem

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Ok gals.  I’m pretty disappointed in the turn out with the last giveaway.  So we’re going to make it really easy to get in this one, and I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I’m going to try to see if I can get as many people here as possible.

So for this giveaway, everyone only gets one entry, but you can comment on here or on Facebook.

The only rule is that you have to visit the NCA site (click the big picture above if you’re on the blog) and reply in your comment what skirt you hope to win.

That’s it.  You just have one week to get it all in, so make it snappy!  We’ll announce the winner on October 19th.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 79 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Giveaway, October, skirt

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Fan Sakura Rose on Facebook, if you haven’t yet. (This is where the giveaway will take place!)

Go to the Fall Fashion Giveaway album and find your favorite photo styled with Sakura Rose items.

Once you find your favorite photo, leave a comment. It can be anything— why this is your favorite photo, what you like about the outfit, where you would like to wear this outfit, etc.

Get as many people to “like” your comment as you can! 

The three (3) people with the most “likes” on their comment win! We will also look for one best answer for fourth prize, so make sure to be creative!

1st: $100 gift card to spend on sakurarose.com
2nd: $50 gift card to spend on sakurarose.com
3rd: Tree of Life Mosaic Necklace
4th/best answer: Silver Beaded Braid Cuff

Good luck, and tell your friends to vote for you! Contest ends NOVEMBER 1. Don’t delay!
The model featured is Rachel Dahl from one of our favorite modest fashion blogs, à la Modest. This post was originally from Sakura Rose’s blog.

© Rachel @ alamodest.com for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: a la modest, alamodest, contest, facebook, fall, fashion, free, freebies, gift cards, Giveaway, modest, modesty, prize, rachel dahl, Sakura Rose, style

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They have a lot of really neat items from the funky jewelry to the basic wardrobe must-have’s. The “Camis that Cover” tagline was probably what caught most people’s attention. Why wear a cami underneath a blouse if it doesn’t cover your goodies when you bend down? These do. Smart, eh? These camis should definitely be a staple of your closet if you don’t want to literally staple your chest to your shirt to avoid an embarrassing fashion faux pas! Pretty soon, there’s going to be a huge giveaway at Sakura Rose, so don’t forget to sign up for their e-newsletter or Facebook for alerts and sales. Being in on the insider scoop, I believe it’s not something you’d want to miss!Thanks to the hubs for his moral support, cuddles, camera assistance, and male presence in an otherwise female-dominated booth.

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This post was originally from à la Modest by Rachel Dahl. You can go directly to her website or Facebook for more posts on modesty.

© Rachel @ alamodest.com for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 6 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: a la modest, alamodest, dc fest, events, festival, jessica rogers, modest, rachel dahl, Sakura Rose

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Below is my response to Ed Gungor’s article, “Does Modesty Really Matter?” on Relevant Magazine:

Ed, I very much agree that we should all examine our own hearts before taking out the plank in someone else’s eye. I am glad that you were honest about what you felt about colored tights and the way they related to the image of pornography. Men are wired to remember stimulating images, and you are no different.

That said, however, I think your article addressed the issue of judging more than the issue of modesty. Does modesty matter? Yes, it does. The passage you quoted and many others that are found in the Bible tell us so (e.g. 1 Tim 2:9-10, 1 Tim 3:1-6, 1 Peter 3:1-6, etc.). Modesty is primarily an issue of the heart that goes beyond clothing, but we must also not draw attention to ourselves in a way that causes men to stumble. It’s easier for a man to lust over a woman who is showing a lot of skin versus a woman who isn’t. The Bible makes it clear that a man who lusts in his mind is already committing adultery (Matt 5:27-28). Why would I want to contribute to that? I cannot totally eradicate the way men think about me, but I can help them not notice my sexual parts as much.

I am a big fan of C.S. Lewis, but when he wrote about cultural norms, he did not have the internet. The introduction of media such as TV and the internet led to globalization. Cultures collided and have become more centralized and Americanized. I grew up in the Pacific Islands, and I can vouch for the way media has significantly changed our cultural norms, including our fashion. The same group of people from the Pacific and everywhere else in the world are looking at American pornography. That said, the majority of people all over the world can come to a consensus as to what is sexually stimulating.

Yes, modesty values are subjective. Yet, what I do know is that regardless of the decade we’re living in or the geographical area we reside in, there are certain areas of a woman’s body that are always stimulating to men, especially when accentuated. America is especially obsessed with women’s breasts, so that is why showing cleavage through low-cut blouses and bikinis is sexually stimulating. Sadly, it seems like America has stripped down its standards to what is modest as being what is legally permitted (covering sexual organs) in public. That to me is the extreme. As to what is borderline for most, such as wearing skinny jeans, tank tops, or brightly colored tights, it seems that there can be debate even among Christians. The obvious is covering up or concealing at best the areas of the body that are predominantly sexually stimulating: the chest, the crotch area, the butt, the hips, the thighs.

I run a modest fashion site at alamodest.com. I do not judge or criticize people on specific borderline details of how they dress, because I know that it is not my right to do so. Only Christ can be the judge over our hearts and the reason behind our clothing lifestyle. What I do write about is based on my own personal experience, aiming to inspire other women with my fashion and help people understand my philosophy based on the Bible and the evidential psychology of the male and female mind.

To be honest, I think that it is honorable for a man to gather up the courage to tell another woman that she is causing him to lust. It is harder for a man to be this vulnerable and honest about his own weakness than for him to just ignore it or enjoy and indulge in the object of his lust. As with insanity, the first step to healing lust is admittance to or repentance from his own weakness. I believe it should be okay for a man to approach a woman with sincerity and admit that his weakness is being captive to the lust caused by the way she dresses. This to me is a cry for help from a brother we must embrace rather than a judgmental fool who needs to be slapped because of his pointing finger. It all depends on the way the man approaches the woman, be it with sincerity and humility or with accusation and a scolding tone. How else would I have started to dress modestly if not for my husband’s (then fiancee’s) telling me when my clothing tempted him and possibly others? I would not have learned this telepathically from anyone else in their silence. The men who used to gawk at me may have just been indulging in what they saw and not having the humility to tell me that what I was wearing, something too low-cut or short, was possibly seductive, as a loving brother would have.

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This post was originally from à la Modest by Rachel Dahl. You can go directly to her website or Facebook for more posts on modesty.

© Rachel @ alamodest.com for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 25 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: a la modest, alamodest, modest, modesty, opinion, rachel dahl, relative, relevant magazine, tights

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Last Thursday night was hectic.  We were packing for a camping trip, so most of the clothing that we really like was already in the van ready to go.  But we had Bible Study to go to, and we wanted to look nice.

After trying on a few of the remaining clothes that she had, she decided to try on one of the lighter weight dresses she had hanging in her closet.

The reaction was interesting.

• A girl that was visiting remarked at how good my wife looked in the dress, and she proceeded to go up and change into a skirt as well.
• Next, my daughter begged my wife to let her wear a skirt too.
• And of course that meant that I had to go and put on a better shirt than the one that I had been wearing.

All of this happened because one woman decided to wear a dress instead of shorts.

The Power of Being an Example

Most of the time we want to do what’s easy or comfortable.  Very few people like to make waves.  When someone shows initiative, people tend to react to that initiative.

Just like my wife wearing a dress altered the clothing choices of the rest of the family, you can alter the reactions of those around you by what you wear.

Now, I’m not saying that everyone around you is going to all of a sudden rush to cover up because you showed up at the beach with a modest swimsuit, but what I am saying is that what you wear will have an impact on not only those around you but how those around you treat you.

For example, when I walk into a WalMart wearing a coat and tie on Sunday after church, I have many more people treat me with respect and call me “sir”.  When I’m wearing jeans and a t-shirt, not so much.

I have the same kind of respect for those women that wears a modest skirt or professional business wear.  Your clothing influences how you are perceived.

Influencing Generations

Children are especially moldable while they are young.  They are consciously and sub-consciously watching you—what you like, what you do, and what you wear.  If you take the time to make yourself look good and modest, you will find that your daughter will want to do that as well and your sons will take note of how their mom looks in every day dress.

I still have memories of this one top that my mom put on this one night before my dad came home.  It was a little low cut—not risque—and I asked her why she was wearing it and she said that it was because my dad liked it.

However, she was always modest and it impacted my sister, who wore dresses and skirts to public high school.

Conclusion

You have an impact, whether you believe that you do or not.  How are you impacting those around you?

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 14 comments | Add to del.icio.us
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Many of us lament the fact that red carpet dresses get skimpier and skimpier every year. We found a blogging superstar in New York City who dresses modestly and isn’t afraid to talk about it.

Meet Allison Josephs. Her blog, Jew in the City, was nominated for Best Religion Blog at the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Her video, “What to Wear on my Hair?” has been viewed over 40,000 times on YouTube.

Allison describes herself as, “one Orthodox Jewish woman breaking down stereotypes about religious Jews and offering a humorous, meaningful look into traditional Judaism.”

We chatted with Allison about modesty and Judaism.

LH: What is the basis for modesty in the Jewish religion?

AJ: The idea behind modesty, or tznius (in Hebrew), in the most basic sense, is about privacy. It’s not about shame or looking unattractive. It’s the idea that some things are not meant for public consumption. Because of that, Jewish modesty is not just about how we dress, but also about how we behave, what information we share or don’t share with the larger world. It’s a sense of discretion that seems to have been lost on a society full of reality tv shows!

LH: Is modesty for men as well, or just for the women?

AJ: Modesty is for both men and women, though the rules are not exactly the same for each gender and I think it’s because Jewish law understands something about the female and male condition when it comes to sexuality. Women are generally more interested in showing off their bodies (think tank tops, miniskirts, and plunging necklines) than looking at scantily clad men. Men are generally more interested in looking at women’s bodies (ask yourself which magazine has more readers – Playboy or Playgirl) than showing off their own. (Most men – even in the heat of the summer wear shirts to around their elbows and shorts to their knees.)

Because of these natural inclinations, while women have some restrictions on what they can see of a man’s body, they’re more restricted in what they can show of their own. Similarly – although men can only show more of their body than women can, they’re allowed to see less of women’s bodies than women can see of theirs.

LH: We see Orthodox Jewish women wearing skirts and long sleeves. Is this the norm? What exactly are the rules?

AJ: There are different opinions in Jewish law when it comes to most issues which mean that different communities have different things they do (but all have some basic agreement). The most basic sources about modesty that you can find in the Talmud mention covering the “shok” – which is the leg (including the knee) and covering the “z’roa” – which is the arm, covering the elbow (although some say only until the elbow). Most communities cover the collar bone as well, since it’s an easy place to make a boundary, (though it does not have a source in the Talmud as the leg and arm do). Some communities like longer skirts and sleeves and have stockings also as part of the norm, although these are stringencies and not basic law.

Regarding the skirts – this is a bit of a discussion. There’s no law in the Talmud that says “women must wear skirts” – but at a certain point in Jewish history, the overall community of observant women made a decision to not wear pants. One reason is for modesty, as pants show the separation between the legs; another reason was to have an identifiable way to dress as a Jewish woman. Because the skirt thing is less clear cut than the sources from the Talmud – you will find Orthodox women out there who cover their arms, legs, hair, but wear baggy pants.

We’ll publish the second half of this interview tomorrow!

© LeahHelfgott for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 10 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Allison Josephs, Jew in the City

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Homecoming Beauty
by RTD Photography

As a dad, I definitely look at my daughter as the prettiest little girl I know.  I think all dads do.  The neat thing is that you don’t have to be immodest to show off this innate beauty—you just have to know how to show off that beauty in ways that show your inner beauty.

So here’s five tips on how to look like a princess.

1. Pick a Flattering Color/Style

This cannot be understated.  The pink on the dress on the right is not only a great color, but it goes well with her skin tones.  Modest does not mean that all you can wear is drab colors.  What it does mean is that you’re a put together package and where the focus of the outfit is.

Pick a style that is comfortable, but also fits your personality.  Be aware of the time that you spend—he will notice.

The style of the gown should be something that’s not too showy—clingy material can draw attention away from you and toward your body.

Be careful of shiny material as well—as it has the tendency to show off everything because of the way that the light reflects.  In moderation, then can work, but be careful with it.

2. Accessories

Find a few accessories that can make your dress.  Whether it is earrings, a bracelet or a nice necklace, these things add a great touch to your formal wear.

3. Hair Style

Formal attire seems to imply that you must wear your hair up.  This style will show your neck and part of your back, should your dress show part of your back.

Personally, I believe that you could also pull off long hair, depending on the style.  However, the hair style should be special, as it’s not every day that you’re in a formal!

4. Makeup

Your makeup should compliment your gown.  It should not be overpowering, and even if you don’t normally wear any, I would suggest that some might help here.  Again, this is a formal event, not something that’s ordinary.

5. Inner Beauty

This isn’t something that you can choose to put on only for a formal, it’s something that you should have all the time.  If you practice humility, if you have a kind spirit, the outside will only seek to amplify that beauty and focus people’s attention on you.

It’s something that you can’t buy or put on, but something that you work toward and shines through—and that truly is the mark of a princess.

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | One comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: formal, formal gown, princess

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We’ve had a fantastic turnout for this month’s Modesty Carnival, due mostly to the fact that there was an extra incentive—that one of the participants would also be the winner of this month’s New Creation Skirt Giveaway!

But!  You’ll have to wait to find out the winner, because first we have to show you the contestants:

Hannah M: What Our Grandmothers Knew

Sandy: Modesty is New? and Shocking? wha…?

Hannah L: Isn’t it funny…

Lola: Modesty and Taking Responsiblity for Your Own Thoughts and Actions

Carolyn: Modesty: A Woman’s Perspective, Modesty– making a comeback?, Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better…In a Skirt!, Actions speak louder than words

Candra: The Modest Bride

Melissa M.: Modesty

Anna Lofgren: Reasons for Modesty

Julia: Modesty online

Maiden Princes: Modesty Mode, Modesty Mode 1, Modesty Mode 2

Catherine: What Modesty Means to Me

Missy: LET’S TALK MODESTY

Sharna: Modesty

Randy Pope: You Can be Stylish and Beautiful and Wear Modest Clothing Through Color Analysis

TanyaBeth S: Encouragement for Girls Who Are Trying To Dress Modestly

Garland of Roses: What Modesty Means to Me

There are some great articles here, so take a few moments to check them out and let them know where you found them!

© MInTheGap for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
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Photos by She Designs Photography (Natalie and Nicole)

Twenty-ten greetings, everyone!

In 08 and 09, the writers at Is This Modest did a great job of showing us the weaknesses in today’s popular clothing styles. This year, they’ve redesigned the look and layout of the site AND come up with a new theme. See—once a problem is recognized, if nobody does anything about it, has any good been done? So now we’re going to spend a year discussing ways to patch up the identified holes in our wardrobe.

When we’re new to the idea of Christian modesty, turning around to analyze the contents of our closets can be daunting—and even if we’ve been working at it a while, sometimes the adequate coverage just isn’t to be found for reasonable prices at the normal places we shop.

How can we meet God’s standards without spending all of our time and money on something that even He tells us isn’t the most important thing? Over the course of this new series, I’m going to show you a few of the many different ways to creatively cover up excess skin where your neckline doesn’t cut it. How do I mean?

Ladies, you can make them, borrow, them, or buy them. They can be feminine, pretty, and inexpensive at the same time. They’re often put away when Winter chills give way to Spring, but done right, any season will flatter these extraordinarily versatile friends. Dear sisters, I give you…

Scarves!

Through the series, I’m going to show you eight different BASIC ways to wear your Spring Scarves. Something I’ve learned, though, is that for every style, there are many, many variations that you can do.

The key is remembering to think out of the box.

Make it tighter, looser, drapier—turn it around—whatever suits your needs and preferences! My goal is to get your creative juices flowing with these eight examples, so that when you hurriedly throw on a top or dress in the morning, look in the mirror, and groan because you know it shows more than is good for you, you can temporarily fix the problem and make it look better than it did before with a quick second and a girly scarf.

© Hannah May for Is This Modest?, 2010. | Permalink | 5 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: asscessory, scarf, scarves

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