Modesty Defined: How we Draw The Line

Image courtesy Randy Keeton

A friend of mine wears spaghetti-strap tanks in the summer. Many people do. I don’t say anything. One day, she tells me that her “personal sense of modesty” would never allow her to go out without a bra. I am relieved to hear this, but wonder to myself: Is it possible that even the most immodestly dressed people have a “personal sense of modesty?”

Yes, I believe that all humans have some innate sense of modesty. Even Adam and Eve felt the need for cover. But how is it that we all draw the line at different points? And if so, how does one define “modesty”?

Modesty is Relative

I don’t think we can define modesty. Not only does every person have a different take on what’s modest (hence, the name of this blog,) it turns out that people themselves vary over time.

Another friend wears skirts her whole life. She plays with skirt length, sometimes wearing skirts just above the knee. But it’s always a skirt. She gets married and moves away. I see her now, two kids and one divorce later, wearing very tight pants. What changed? Maybe it was the stress of life that made it hard to follow her own standards, or maybe she just made a conscious decision to change what she wears.

We all know of other stories (maybe they’re our own) where someone decides to dress more modestly. It’s a hard transition, but once in place, it takes a strong hold. An inch more of skin now feels “too revealing,” and something too tight “just doesn’t feel right.” It’s amazing how we can actually influence our bodies’ sense of modesty.

To complicate the matter, a sister, a mom, or a spouse may influence us one way or another. We may hear constant comments like, “Show some skin, you’re too conservative!” Or maybe the opposite: “Button up, you don’t want to look easy.” These messages have the potential to change our personal standards of modesty.

Thus, we often find ourselves drawing and re-drawing our own personal line at different points in our lives. They may even shift slightly from day to day, depending on the occasion, the crowd we are expecting to see, or the comments we hear from others.

The Inner Struggle

Even for those of us who show the most, modesty is a lifelong inner struggle. We all battle with where to draw the line. In the morning, we stand at our bedroom mirror and change clothes ten times, trying to find just the right balance between “stylish enough” and “modest enough.”

Over the course of our lives, that balance may be tipped one way or the other. But no matter who we are (or what we ultimately decide to wear), we are all modest. We all have a personal sense of modesty.

I see a gal in a cafe with serious cleavage. I wonder how she can possibly have a sense of modesty. And then I picture her in her bedroom mirror, tugging her shirt up to cover her bra. She’s got the bra covered, great, she grabs her bag and steps out for a cup of coffee.

I smile at her as she looks my way, and I know we share the same struggle.