No Matter What You Wear, He’s Looking at You
It was a quiet night at a hall meeting in college. We were listening to our Hall Leader (or RA) talk about the opposite sex. He was saying that he has seen how guys look at girls as they pass by in the Dining Common. He said that he’s watched guy’s eyes as they’ve gone up and down taking them all in.
He wasn’t the only one that talked about the difficulties of the female form at Bob Jones University.
A Modest Dress Code Cannot Stop Him From Looking
For any of you that are not familiar with the University, it has a strict modest dress code. Young ladies must wear skirts/dresses that go below the knee and show no cleavage. They have formal gowns checked to make sure they meet standards.
And yet even some of the uniforms and white dresses that girls would wear would be a source of problem for some of the men that I went to school with.
And if a place like this has people struggling with modest attire, how is a young lady supposed to dress to help their brother. Do they have to cover themselves from head to toe?
At Some Point It’s Also the Man’s Problem
Part of the problem with modesty is that we always act and talk as if it is entirely the woman’s problem. She’s the one that’s being evil by tempting the man. She’s the one that needs to make sure that she is covered. She’s the one that is in sin should she show a shoulder or a knee cap.
The truth of the matter is that you can dress in a modest uniform and still cause men to stumble because of what is in their mind.
A Immodest Culture
The American culture sells things with sex. It uses the female form to sell everything from toothpaste and shampoo to life insurance. And because of this culture, women in the workplace begin to believe that they must wear heels and show some skin to differentiate themselves from the men and because that means they’re feminine.
So everywhere a man looks he’s saturated in images and people dressing less than modestly, and so he “knows” what he should not know, and he’s wired to think about that which he should not think.
This is his problem. This is that which he fights with, and it’s why a young man should marry and find delight in his wife.
So What Can I Do? You Make It Sound Hopeless.
The truth is, by yourself you’re never going to stop a man looking at you incorrectly. You can dress in a way that discourages it. You can hope that you’re apparel causes him to see the inside instead of the outside, but you cannot control his thoughts.
However, you can impact the culture. By taking a stand for modesty, by making your voice heard and changing the way you and those around you dress, you can show women that they are more than how they look. You can create value around men that look for virtue, you can celebrate those that want to do good.
Basically, you need to reward men for the fight. You need to exalt them, instead of the bad boy. You need to choose the company you keep well—do not let those into your group that have given up this struggle.
Modesty Problems
- The Problem of Modesty
- The Problem of a Subjective Standard
- No Matter What You Wear, He’s Looking at You
- Showing Shoulders is a Sin
- Hot, Sexy Woman
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May I be the first to say… what an excellent article!!!!!
Meh. You kind of lost some respect when you threw in the comment that guys should marry. Marriage is helpful, but “should”?
Otherwise I agree with anne: this a good basic summary of the spiritual aspect of the issue.
Men ‘should’ marry is totally scriptural (abundant texts could be quoted, not the least of which, “it is NOT GOOD that a man should be alone…” God’s solution? Give him a WIFE) and, though it certainly doesn’t erase the whole problem, you are absolutely right. God’s plan is always best, and His commandments are not burdensome. Great article: encouraging and challenging to both genders.
In making Eve, God started society at a basic level. But now that there are more than two people in the world, there are more kinds of companionship. At any rate, “not good” doesn’t equate to “bad.”
Paul himself recommends singleness for those that can handle it. Are we now assuming that young men as a class cannot?
Only responding because you ended your follow up comment with a question. There are many angles to this for sure. Do you want answers to your comment or was that your way of getting the last word in/ wrapping it up? Don’t want to seem argumentative, so let it be known what was your intention, as there are definite answers to your queries.
Answers are good. ^_^
Thank you…I needed to read this. Great article!
Aha, I’ve been wondering when (if) this point would come up. Thank you for writing this article :)
It is nice to be noticed, but not ogled when it’s unwanted. Even when you wear something that isn’t revealing, you tend to get unwanted attention. Maybe wearing slippers will be the answer!
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This is excellent. I have often struggled with this issue and feeling like too much pressure is placed on girls to try to cover themselves so no guy is ever thinking dirty thoughts when he looks at them. I am an advocate for modesty, but it frustrates me when all the emphasis is placed on the women’s dress. We need to remember that men have a part to play also. They are the ones viewing the girl. Us women do what we can to dress modestly and make sure our hearts are in the right place, but it’s the men who are thinking the thoughts and they need to be called back into line also. We can critique a young woman’s attire all we want, but even if she were to walk around wearing a paper bag there are men who would still try to visualize what was underneath. Us women can only do so much.
Actually, I’m not sure “wearing a paper bag” would help, but I understand what you’re saying. In any case, thanks for the compliment!
I remember reading about how crazy this topic can get in the Middle East– the women are the most covered there, but the men can justify rape because “She showed an ankle.” Believe it or not, men in the U.S. are much more restrained in that they see things all the time that they wrestle with, and yet they control their external responses. Even taking some simple steps toward modesty helps a lot!
Sometimes a little bluntness helps to get to the reality of the situation. I suggest it would help here.
I think God’s Word sums it up with treating all women like you would your sisters or mother. If you wouldn’t look at your sister or mother like that or think that thought about your sister or mother or feel that way toward your sister or mother then you have ZERO business thinking that about any other women who’s not your wife. That’s disgusting! is what it really would be then wouldn’t it? Your wife, whether you know her yet or not, is the ONLY outlet to ANY and ALL sexual anything. I do think the extra emphasis is needed because that seems to be so foreign. Even on these sites, honestly there is a still some ‘we can’t help it’ attitude. When it should be a you’d better help it attitude. There is no other option, any sexual anything with anyone other than your spouse is SIN. IMMORAL. Anything else is adultery. It should be disgusting.
This is one sin that directly hurts and rejects the woman who is your wife – even whether you know her yet or not. You replace her with someone else if even momentarily in your mind, she is rejected and not enough. Every women is to be like your mother or your sister. It’s that simple to define. (That said ladies, not every guy is going to do that, so… do you really want some immoral guy picturing you or parts of you naked instead of his wife? Do you really want to encourage a guy like that? GROSS.)
Very well said. Someone I was discussing this with had a difficult time grasping why I would feel betrayed if he slipped and lusted after another woman. He understood I’d be hurt. But I explained to him it is beyond hurt, it is betrayal/unfaithfulness, as clearly stated by Jesus in Matthew 5:28. I believe that if more brothers in Christ were taught how grave this is, it would help them see the severity and stop themselves before they committ adultery in their mind.
Amen! Especially the part about marriage! Marriage is downplayed both in the world and among Christians! Thank you for being willing to say it! :)
#Feb2011NCARating
This was another great article. The girl needs to be careful what she wears. The guy needs to keep his mind pure and not think about things he shouldn’t. :) #FEb2011NCARating
Excellent article! I appreciate the candor and insight. It’s always good to read the former comments and join discussions.
Let me second what Lady Abigail said.
#Feb2011NCARating
Somehow I put a capital e in the Feb. tag. So I’ll fix it. #Feb2011NCARating. There I hope it will work.