“My Husband Wants Me To Look Sexy When We’re Out Together.”
Husbands are men, and as such, they are visual creatures. In you, their wife, they see perfection– or at least they should! You’re beautiful in their eyes, and many husbands have a set of conflicting desires:
- They love the way you look, and would love to show you off.
- They don’t want other men to look at you “that way” because they will get jealous– and they might fear they will lose you.
Knowing this in the background, one can then understand why a husband would love to have you dress in a sexy manner when you’re out in public. He loves the attention that he gets because he knows that if people want you, they will be jealous of him.
What they don’t understand is what doing this turns you into… an object, rather than a wife.
Trophy Wives
Some women are called “trophy wives” for that very reason– the husband values his wife’s looks for more than just the fact that he can enjoy them. He wants others to know that he was able to get a knock out because it makes him look powerful, in charge, or sexy.
It’s funny, because there are many men that have none of those things, but have attractive wives– and many ebooks that will let you know how you too can do it, for only 3 easy payments of $19.99.
Men like to be associated to attractive women– in part because of the way they look, and in part because of what society has turned “woman” into.
Objectification
You see, the culture has told women that she’s free, but in the same breath they have enslaved her. They have made someone that she should trust with all of her heart– her husband– into someone that sees her partly as what she is, rather than who she is.
The message is broadcast loud and clear through commercials– that the woman that wears the best makeup, uses the right shampoo, has the right swimsuit, drinks the right beer, and has the right shape is the one that everyone likes. They pick the women with the most sex appeal to even be extras in television shows and movies, continuing to hammer home the fact that it is all about looks, while at the same time saying it’s not.
Lust
It all boils down to lust. Our society is using a sin to sell things. It sells expectations to men and it sells products to hopefully meet those expectations to women. Unfortunately, all too often the product rarely fits the bill.
Men love to see women dressed sexy because it appeals to them physically. And the husband has every right to want to desire and even lust after his wife– but causing others to lust after her is wrong. Just as the woman that seeks to dress modestly so as to keep men from lusting after her, so a husband should not ask of his wife that she dress to attract him and others around for the same reason.
He should know better than that.
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Robin, you make an excellent point! I never even looked at it that way, but wow, you are so right!
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I read a book years ago that addressed this issue. Simply put it asked this question. Do we submit to our husbands in every other area? Is there any other area in your life that you are not submitting to him? Sometimes we need to examine our own hearts and see if this is something that we don’t mind doing but putting the blame on our husbands so that we are not accountable.
When I first read that I have to admit it was very humbling and hard to accept and also very revealing.
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If your husband wants you to look good (i.e. not look like you’ve been cleaning the house all day or just come back from exercising) when you are out that is fine – he do the same for you.
You posed the question of what to do if your husband wants you to dress “immodestly”, which I guess is subject to interpretation, but it sounds like there could be a deeper concern.
I am glad that you have a solution that is not a compromise to integrity and even better will keep your love life exciting.
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Wonderful suggestions! I know my husband would totally appreciate this. He is not hard to please though. Ha ha, quick funny. Last night on his way home from work he asked, “So, whatcha wearin’?” I chuckled and said, “pajamas. Mesh pants with a big hoody sweatshirt”. He said, “sounds sexy”. Ha ha! I normally don’t lay around in my pj’s – yesterday was just “one of those days”.
But, I know he would still LOVE that revealing clothing at home! He doesn’t like me to be revealing outside because of other men. But, like you mentioned, I bet if our men were getting their fix on us at home, they may be more than satisfied with that!
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P.S. That brings me to another thought: different men define “sexy” differently. I think we can totally look sexy [for our own husbands] without being revealing or tempting to others. It’s not just clothing; do up your hair and wear a little make-up. Accessorize! Put on some earrings and a simple necklace to dress up your outfit. Most importantly, smile and show your husband how much you love him by flirting with him. Your eyes alone can be enough to make you sexy [for him alone]!
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The key phrase in this question is, “When we go out…” I don’t know about any other ladies, but when my husband and I go out together, we go where there are heathen men who are going to look. Period, end of story. I don’t mean we go to nightclubs. I mean we go to restaurants, plays, malls, and other public places where men (and for that matter, WOMEN) of ungodly character also go. Can we expect those men who aren’t even saved to take the responsibility to look away?!? Of course not! We have to guard and keep our temples at all times (1 Cor. 6:19-20). So, it is VITALLY important to share those intimate moments in the privacy of our home and always use our utmost modesty in public. I really love the tips about those flirtatious looks. I can snap my husband’s head around with one of those “come hither” looks and be covered from head to toe. Go be sexy and modest – God made you to be fulfilling to your husband and holy before God all at the same time!
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Great tips, [name redacted]! My hubby does not like me to dress immodestly, but I know that he would appreciate me looking nice for him at home! I need to put a little more effort into that area.
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These comments are great….my husband and I spoke about this also. If modesty is a new concern in your life it can cause some growing pains with your man, that’s for sure! Just talk to your husbands about it…let them know why you desire to let your body be for his eyes only. Once they know that you won’t be covered up to the neck and ankle at all times (for example, wearing sexy clothes when it’s just the two of you at home) they may embrace the idea. At first my husband took modesty to mean “totally covered up.” I’m pretty sure he was envisioning women in burkas in Iraq. Men don’t usually equate modesty with the same things women do…my hubby was thrilled to know that a skirt that comes just below the knee is still acceptable. :)
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By the way…I just wanted to say that I am so glad you posted about this topic. A lot of women struggle with this, probably more than you’d think!
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I would comment here, but, Well,…Uh…I’m a guy, and single. So I don’t really have the credentials to say a word. :P
Should probably read through everything first before I leave a comment but just wanted to say I believe that:
A husband who is called to lead in holiness and love his wife as his own body (Ephesians 5: 25-30) will not ask his wife to do something that is out of her own comfort zone and convictions, is something that can potentially stumble others, and is more permissable than beneficial.
My question is, “what is the husband’s true motive?” A woman is not an object to be “shown off” but a person to be loved and honoured. Why would he want her to be on display for others to gawk at instead of protecting her and appreciating the fact that she reserves her body for him?
There are many ways to dress tastefully and look beautiful. I don’t see why she has to meet his definition of “sexy”. I eventually felt used and unappreciated when my ex-boyfriend dictated how I dressed and behaved. What I love about my husband (so grateful God brought him into my life some time after my ex and I parted ways – interestingly my ex grew so much after I broke off our relationship of 4 years and we are still friends today; he just got married in Dec) is he finds me beautiful just as I am. The way I look without any makeup or frills. He appreciates that I dress modestly (stress, modest, not daggy). Less can be more, can it not? And keep sexy for the home :P hee
Please forgive me if I have offended anyone with my rather blunt comments. Just leaving my own thoughts.
Thanks for sharing!
*Blush* Sorry I was so blunt in my previous comments. I didn’t realize that there were guys coming to the site, too.
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Great post, great apologetic! Love it!
Christin:
I don’t think there are many guys that come to site to read the material. However, MinTheGap & I are both guys, and as authors for the blog, we hope to provide some insight into modesty from the male perspective: He being married, I being single. So please, don’t feel bad.
*I hope I spoke correctly for you M.
What about wearing an undergarment your husband finds sexy when you go out? Tell him/let him know (somehow) before you go out that you are wearing his favorite (insert item here). Even though every else is seeing modest clothing, your husband knows more ;) I think dressing sexy at home is good, but I’m willing to bet letting him know you have something sexy on underneath your modest clothing will earn you some points too!
I think that you ladies should put on a thong and high heels and go love on your men. Don’t be afraid of being a woman and sexual. Being sexual is our adult right. I don’t see why you all feel the need to talk like little middle school girls about the topic of sex when you are all mothers and wives. Embrace your sexuality and knock the socks off your husbands. Quit worrying if other men are checking you out. They probably are. Be flattered and move on. Don’t put so much focus on the possible negative that might happen. It is a paralysing way to live. Shake your rumps for yourselves and for your mans. Put on a thong and a smile.
Janice, I think the point is that some women want to remain pure. It’s not that they cannot feel sexual, but that there sexuality is for one man– not anyone that they happen to be around.
To that end, it’s fine to take your advice in private, but wrong to entice others in public.
Janice is right.. all you women seem a little oppressed and overly concerned about tempting other men. Believe me, if your husband wants you to look hot, it’s probably because he wants to look at YOU and think about YOU while trying not to look at all the other hot women he sees all day long at work or in line at starbucks or wherever.. at least that’s how I feel. Women dress crazy hot these days. You have no idea how difficult that is for a man. James1:17
yeah, okay, i’ve done some thinking, mainly, why. why all the rules, why all of the restrictions. We are free in Christ. We are also sent to witness to the world. Are we more approachable as “is”, or dressing in a “holier that thou” way, so that we can send a “message” to everyone?
That was a gentle way of saying this:
My modest friends, you need to give men more credit than what you do. Men have self control and they can and do use it. Your Religious Male Leaders’ insistence that women dress “modestly” is ridiculous. Perhaps it reflects upon their own sexual struggles and that they choose to not exercise self control?? They need to be responsible for their own thoughts. They should not force women to bear their burdens. Women can and should be able to dress reasonably without the worries and struggles of being judged. [Totally my opinion, and really, what do I know???]
Although, if you could please make men stop wearing those saggy arse pants, the world would kiss your feet.
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In Romans 14, Paul discusses this concept – to a degree. He doesn’t speak exactly about modesty, but he uses another example that was more applicable at that time: food. Many believed that it was wrong to eat pork. Other’s (such as Paul) knew it to be ok. But, Paul decided not to eat meat when around those who felt it to be wrong, so as not to cause them to stumble.
Excerpts from Romans 14:13-23:
make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way…..It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.
If you know something causes another person to sin, why do it? Yes, they are responsible themselves for their own actions. But you are responsible too – for if you do something, knowing that another will stumble by doing it… isn’t that just as bad?
I agree about those pants… They just are not flattering at all. Clothes should fit, not be too tight or too loose.
My question is, what is “reasonably” when it comes to dress? Everyone has different standards. For those of us who choose to be modest, our standards are to be more covered and to have a quiet spirit. To us, that is reasonable.
Also, I know that men have self-control, but I want to help them use it. Many men, even pastors (who supposedly are “better Christians” than others) struggle with pornography. I do not want to be compared with pornography because I am showing a lot of skin. That’s part of why I dress modestly.
lydee – thank you! I’m reading through these comments and keep wondering why it is our responsibility to dress for other men (modestly) and not dress for our own man? are we not supposed to be subservient to him and he is to be subservient to Him? as wemen, if you take direction from the bible, we are to trust in our husbands and fathers to make those decisions for us. I am a confident, happily married and attractive wife and mom. I dress in whatever way my husband chooses because he is my husband.
I feel really precious and beautiful every time my husband told me to wear sexy clothes when we’re together. He’s just proud of me, for a having a sexy wife. ;)
Is it really wrong for a guy to want his wife to look good when they go out? I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all – I want my kids to look presentable when they go out, just as I want to look my best when I go out, and I would want my wife to want that as well. As a society we’ve become to accustomed to looking slovenly out in public. Most people in Europe wouldn’t be caught dead the way most of us go out in public here. My two cents – thanks!
I agree. One should show some self respect.
Mostly husbands want their wife look sexy. Somehow, they want to feel flattered only that their wife looks sexy. Probably, the husband is proud of having like you.
The more it is sufficient and effective if a wife would have some fat or weight loss routine. There’s a lot of weight loss and fat loss program right now. But still, the most powerful is by just simple jogging or walking.
I really like this post! It opens the minds of women out there who are treated like trophies. It’s not really a problem that your husband brag about you -that is somehow a good thing because it means he’s proud of you but sometimes the wife is misappreciated. Thanks for sharing this Robin.
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As a husband of 30 years I can speak from experience. When I was younger I did want my wife to be noticed when we went out. After 30 years of marriage I am not so much concerned with that. Of course I want her to be presentable, the whole “Trophy Wife” thing went out the door many years ago (although I never considered her a trophy…A 6×5 buck is a trophy).
Hi James,
Luckily my husband didn’t considered me as a “trophy wife”, though sometimes he did admit he’d be proud if I got stares at a party while hanging out with him. I guess it narrows down to the love bonding between us. We are proud that each of us still look acceptable and presentable; the rest aren’t important.
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I really want to please my husband. I am glad that he is finally comfortable in telling me what he wants me to do. However, I am concerned about how all of this affects my teenage sons. I also have a daughter. How can I tell her to dress modestly when I am not?
I appreciate this artice is aimed at married couples but I have a qestion that has the same theme without the vows. Im 24, blonde and moderately attractive, I have a shallow boyfriend who has just told me I need to make more effort with my appearance for him to ‘fancy’ me more. Is this a fair request?
I think that you have hit the nail on the head when you said that you have a “shallow boyfriend.” My question would be, what does that mean that he thinks about you? Why this request?
I think that we get very caught up in thinking that the person that we are with is the best we can find, but it isn’t true. Value yourself more than the way that you appear. Should he prove himself worthy of your commitment and love, he’ll get the physical soon enough.
This is an excellent article. I think I might have my husband read it. It may help him to better understand things from my perspective. Thank you very much for addressing this topic.
It’s definitely a prominent one within relationships– and a real battle for us husbands. We see a lot of attractive women, and we want our wives to be attractive as well. At the same time, we usually want to protect our women and we don’t want competition.
Oh the crazy things that go on in our heads!
This is a strange request from him with the justification that HE wants to be made to feel special! If I make more effort in appearance he then feels I’v emade that effort for him thereofre making him feel special!
I think your absolutely right, thank you.
As a Muslim, i find no confusion surrounding the question “what is modest?’ My religious teaches me the true specifications of modesty, and in such a way, enables me to be seen as what i truly am, am woman with a brain, and not a thing with a chest.
Additionally, Islam enables my husband to choose me for my brain, manners, ect. as when we met, it was a meeting of two souls and not two bodies.
Finally, because my beauty of my body is not revealed to the outside world , I never face the dilemma of “how can i show off without going too fart to displease my husband.”
He too, accepts me as a human, and not a shown off object.
My partner asked me along to one of his works events and I asked if other partners were going and he said he didn’t care if they were or not because he wanted me to go to “show me off”. I got angry at that and he didn’t understand why. I think I’ll direct him to this article! lol
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Ive had this conversation with my boyfriend, I was enraged at first – insulted! But once he explained his reasons there was some logic to it. Clearly your husband thinks you are gorgeous and he is really proud that you married him therefore you should try to take it as a compliment that he wants to ‘show you off’. If you spin it around, you would be hurt if he didn want you to attend because he is embarrassed by you. Do you agree???
Glad we could help.
Ive had this conversation with my boyfriend, I was enraged at first – insulted! But once he explained his reasons there was some logic to it. Clearly your husband thinks your gorgeous and he is really proud that you married him therefore you should try to take it as a compliment that he wants to ‘show you off’. If you spin it around, you would be hurt if he didn want you to attend because he is embarrassed by you. Do you agree???
I can certainly see where the opposite– that he’s embarrassed by your appearance– could be pretty harmful to a lady as well. Hence why so many ladies do go to drastic means to change their external appearance. I would say, however, that when a man expresses desire to simply show off his wife’s body he’s showing that he places an inappropriate weight on that factor as well. He should be pleased with being with you, regardless of whether you catch the attention of every eye in the room.
There’s this Tim McGraw song that I heard that captures the idea– in it he sings that his wife might catch every eye, but she only wants him. She doesn’t let it go to her head/heart. Now I would argue that if the girl is dressing that way on purpose then there’s something to be concerned about.
Here’s my situation… my wife and I are attending a holiday/cocktail party in a few weeks and after trying on many different dresses, she’s narrowed it down to two and is asking me which one she should wear. She looks great in both, but one is more conservative/classic looking (still sexy), while the other definitley has more sex appeal – not slutty – but definitely grabs your attention.
Contrary to the original topic here, I prefer the more conservative look instead of the other for the reasons some have pointed out – I don’t need someone elses approval of how my wife looks – we’ve been together close to 15 years now – and don’t want other men to ‘lust’ after my wife. Especially men that she will encounter on a fairly regular basis at work (this is a work party with people at her place of employment, a relatively new job of five months). She likes the thought of people thinking she looks really good which I think is natural, but she is admittingly naive when it comes to understanding the thought process of men when it comes to sexuality.
Ultimately, I want her to wear what she likes best, but also want her to understand where I’m coming from without seeming controlling. Any thoughts?
More needs to written on this FOR husbands. My husband doesn’t understand why I feel like I should be modest. I want to be fashionable. I want to look nice for him…BUT why does that have to be revealing tops and short short skirts and bikinis that barely cover anything! I’m beyond frustrated and he’s giving me the silent treatment right now for my opinion on this topic. I have young boys at home and want them to marry modest wives one day so how can I strut around the house in nothing? And I’m already wearing apealing undergarments…and if I don’t, I hear about it….I know there are other wives like me out there with husbands who claim to be Christ-followers but this article was the first I found on the web about it…
I agree with you that there needs to be more things on this topic for husbands to listen to/read. If there was a book or something that addressed this I would definitely buy it, but I don’t know of anything. The closest book I can think of which may help men to better understand things from a woman’s point of view is “For Men Only” by Shaunti Feldhan. I am so sorry that the issue of modesty is causing problems in your marriage. I will be praying for you…
I am having a hard time with this too!
I have the opposite problem with my boyfriend. When i want to dress sexy, he asks me to change and be more modest. I dont understand why he feels this way. Any men out there have any thoughts on that?
When it was said in the previous comments, “wear sexy clothes at home” I am hoping that means in the bedroom. When you have kids I sure hope moms aren’t prancing around in front of their kids with immodest clothes on. I dress modestly all day long..in the house and out of the house. My kids should see that we respect our bodies ever where we are. That being said my Husband loves me for who I am. He married me for who I am and not how sexy I can be. He prefers it if I don’t wear make-up..so I don’t. I would hope that it isn’t looks that made anyones spouse marry them. News flash…looks fade. I want my husband to be married to me forever and not leave me when I am not sexually appealing anymore. My husband tells me how beautiful I look when I am covering up rather than some other wifes who are falling out of there shirts…or pants. Respect for yourself is more beautiful than a sexy shirt to wear. How about being a good listener, a wife who is respectful to her husband, or a wife who tells her husband thank you for everything that he does. Men loved to be acknowledged. I think that will be more sexy to your man than some earrings in your ears. Great article and I hope men out there appreciate the wife God gave them and cherish her…she is for him alone.
I’d hate to find myself in that situation. Hopefully I never will. But if I did, I’d say we ought to obey God rather than man. If a man truly loves his wife the way God tells him to, he will not ask her to dress immodestly for anyone other than himself.
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